Some Updates

So I have alot to write about. People keep pitching me ideas, or inspiring me ;-).

So, for now, I'll just throw some stuff out:

1. Anna Chapman, the "Femme Fatale" who pleaded guilty to Espionage on behalf of Russia, never emailed me back on facebook. The femme fatale, along with her fellow spies, pleaded guilty and are now part of a SPY SWAP dating back to the Cold War. Grand huh?

2. 4th of July was friggin' insanity, and it is a post in it's own right. Stay tuned!

3. Holy shit. Oakland is about to go up in smoke! This stems from Mehserle being found guilty of INVOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER and faces a MAXIMUM OF ONLY FOUR FLIPPIN' YEARS.

4. Remember the girl from Operation Nicaraugua? The one who got pissed at me for calling her on her BS and now has people out there who want to beat me up? Well, prior to her and I getting into a argument, I sent her a friend request on facebook. For reasons unknown, the other day she ACCEPTED my friend request. I sent her a email saying "You do know who I am, right?" No response.

5. A friend("RINO!") sent me a site that is filled with DEFLOWERING VIDEOS. If you don't know what that means, well then I'll tell you: it is one of the most gross acts I've ever seen and I am THANKFUL I have never taken a girls virginity. YEESH!

Til next time,

Xander,

Out.

Peter, Jason, this one is for you.

So one day I was at my god family's house because they were out of town for the weekend. It was me, Justin, Mark, Peter and our friend Jason. A total "bro" weekend, filled with alcohol, beer, liquor, and alot of masturbation jokes. ANYWAY...


Justin and Jason one point got in a argument over something I can't remember but it was stupid.

Now, quick background: Justin is a big dude, and Jason is big too.

Justin is too stubborn to know he's instigating Jason and Justin is too stupid to know he's falling into Justin's bullshit LOL.

So, seeing this, and being the crazy one I am, I decided to intervene, with drastic measures.

You can probably see where this is going, if not, it's simple:

I get inbetween them, BITCH SLAP Jason across the face and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Everyone froze. Did he....?Did Xander...?...Just do...?

Yes.

Yes I did.

And after everyone was getting through the shock and awe of what just happened, Jason threw his fist forward into my ribs, and being 5'10 1/2 and skinny, I went flying THROUGH A DOOR(it was open, but cracked), still airborne, hit the ground, slid and halted. The next thing I knew, Jason was standing over me getting ready to punch my lights out and then Jason was pulled off by a laughing Mark, Peter and Jason. "Whoa dude ! EASY! COOL IT!"

I immedietly went into laughter. HYSTERICAL laughter. I was about to cry. "HOLY SHIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT HAHAHAHAHA WAS FUCKING HAHAHAHA AWESOME"

As I laughed I could by now they were all surrounding me, staring down at me as I rolled laughing on the floor.

"is he ok?"

"I dunno..."

"well, I dunno, he seems ok. Look at 'em. He's just laughing his ass off."

Dude, it was something straight out of a cartoon or movie or JACKASS. It was CLASSIC! It would of been great youtube.

Til next time, Xander out.

Double Oh No

Sorry for the absence, I've been on vacation. Happy birthday to my brother!
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Ok, so today, I read this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_doj_russia_arrests.

Done?

Ok. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

That Femme Fatale chick is facing a sentence of ONLY FIVE FLIPPING YEARS?

You know what that means right?

No?

Observe!

She has facebook right?

Well, I sent her this litle gem via facebook....
"Dear Anna AKA Anya,

You better pray to god a 5 year sentence is the least of your worries. Back before WWII, we used to execute people like you on a regular basis dating back to the Revolutionary War. May god(and our Anti Terrorist Courts) have mercy on you."

I know, I'm mean.

But, I wouldn't be here if I was nice.

and like I said, her good looks and deceptive ways will only go so far....

Til next time,

Xander out.

Adventures of El Gymnasio

So I've been going to this locally-owned gym.

And it's been quite the adventure in itself.

For starters, I go in the mornings mostly around 10-11:30ish. This some stuff I just observed that y'all might find funny.

#1: THE OLD GUY FARTED

So I was in one of the rooms working out my triceps when this old skinny dude walked in. It was just us. Well, he sat down at the chest press machine nearby and began his work out.

I didn't think anything of it til he got up and walked past me and I was then hit square in the face with the most PUTRID ODOR EVER!

It was like....Baby Dysentery combined with Old Rotting Flesh. I stopped mid workout and looked at the guy like I was going to die.

Then he turned, saw my facial expression, and shot me a look like "It wasn't me, it was you!"

Omigod. It was disgusting! I wanted to throw up, but for some reason did not. I'm not kidding or exagerating: this guy farted!

#2: THEY CAME FROM THE MENS LOCKER ROOM

Right now, the Men's Locker Room is disgusting. I'm not even going to try and describe what it smells like.

But even worse, is a problem that plagues me that is even worse: Naked people.

Seriously, I don't want to die into detail, but guys, there is something called a Towel. Learn it, use it. I DO NOT want to see your naked ass under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I don't care if you are a old, skinny, fat, or cut like David Beckham, have some common decency.

No joke, I see these guys prancing around as naked as the day they were born. Jeez!

Do these fuckers think they are impressing anyone?

Well they aren't impressing me, BHLEH.

Til next time,

a very disturbed Xander, out.

OPERATION: LDS

As a writer/wannabe-screen-writer/wannabe-film-maker/wannabe-journalist/secret agent, I have always wanted to infiltrate some sort of wayward faction here in the US of A. Sign up, join their ranks, hang out, learn what makes them tick, then write something about it for the masses.

This one dude, Kevin Roose, infilrated Liberty University: the nation's most strict christian college, and wrote about it(It's called "the unlikely disciple" and it's friggin' awesome!).

Me on the other hand, I have more...bold tastes.

Years ago I plotted to infiltrate a local scientology church, but then multiple people warned me of the dangers involved(now I pretty much ignore those warning LOL).

Then I wanted to infiltrate a local S&M group that met at the Denny's every tuesday night. You'd be amazed at who are actually involved in this shit: local bussinessmen, judges, politicians, and other people you'd least suspect, even Father O'Malley!(J/K).

But recently, inspired by a Middle Eastern Comedian(Aron Kader of Axis of Evil), yesterday while bored at work I decided to research what it would take to infiltrate the Mormon Church and become a missionary.

After reading the requirements, I came to a few conclusions, being the Rogue Christian-Remix that I am:

1. Fuck that shit.

2. I REFUSE to bunkmate with some weirdo guy for 2 years

3. I refuse not to touch a woman affectionately for 2 years: I'm engaged people!

4. I'm way too old. I'm 29 in 8 days. The average age for starting missionary training is 18!

Still I think it'd be funny, considering I find it hard to believe that you can read just ONE BOOK and "get it".

Til next time, Xander, out.

XANDER AKNOWLEDGES POLITICAL HUMOR

I didn't make this, I saw it on a website, but I found it so funny, I decided to post it. Courtesy of Meaningless Comics:





Til next time,

Xander, out.

HILARIOUS

As a writer(and soon to be Film Maker if it all goes right) I not only feel it is my duty to put my own stuff out there to be enjoyed by a audience, but the work of others too. Without further adeau...This is from the Ronnie James show in Australia. Australian TV RULES!