Aidan, this one's for you.

;-)

Ok so Link denied me the permission to write the follow up to OPERATION: Nicaragua, but I think I got something better.

-Stops a second to watch a car get DESTROYED on Mythbusters-

Anyway. That was really cool. Moving forward, on with the show!

NATURE BOY/NATURE GIRL
So, for those of you that do not know me, I work for a Security Company, and have been doing so for about...5 years now. I started out as everybody else does in the company: a security "officer" at a remote 3-building complex in Southern California. I was told the day I got hired that it was "the wild west" and I was the Sheriff in town: nothing was to get past me, and I would constantly be busy.

Well, next to the property was a hiking trail that was a known hangout for transients, johns, hookers and drug users, at the back of the buildings was a HUGE dirt lot, where more buildings were going to be built.

Needless to say, I had my work cut out for me.

One day, I was sitting at the front desk when a employee came up to me, pointing at the back doors leading to the open field.

"What is that guy doing out there?"

"What guy?" I asked. Did I even want to know?

"There is a guy out in the field and...he's being really weird...just thought I'd tell you" he said, as he walked off.

I radioed in that I may have a suspicious person and set out into the hot, dry, holy-fuck-french-fry-cooking sun to investigate.

Well, I didn't find any "weird guy": mostly dirt, dry weeds, piles of junk, and...something absolutely disgusting.

dirty, crusty, nasty, used women's underwear and used condoms.

EWWW!

The Johns were taking the hookers back here to uh...yeah.

-----------

WRONG PLACE, WRONG REASON

Then, there was the time during a investigation, I went to the scene of some lab cooler units to check on some crime scene barriers I put it. Some thieves had been ripping out the copper to fence later, and recently one of the idiots from the other squads tried to "chase them away" rather than call the cops. But, he got a vehicle description!

So imagine my surprise at 6 AM when I drove up to the scene and saw our suspect vehicle there. Well, instead of giving chase I cut my headlights and crept on them and called the cops.

They surrounded the car and got our suspect having sex with...can you guess? A hooker.

Not only that, but he had our stolen materials and tools in the trunk!

---------

WHAT'S THAT SMELL??

A year later I was at that contract but had been reassigned to another office(that site got sold to ironically the company I work for now).

One morning, I was in my assigned building as usual. As part of my job I had to do a morning sweep of the building and check various alarm panels, unlock some doors, etc.

Well, on this particular morning as soon as I started my sweep of the 3rd floor, a smell hit my nose. At the time I was a bachelor in my early 20s: I knew that smell all too well. Sex and Latex.

That meant, someone was, or had been, having sex in the cubicle areas!

A sweep revealed nothing suspicious, but I knew that smell!

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THONG SONG

A year later, same company, just another morning. I now had more responsibilities, including the entire complex of the Corporate HQ. The main building, had a cafe which was connected to the rest of the building via a long corridor("the concourse" we called it).

Anyway, it was about 7:30 AM, I just gotten my coffee and was walking down the concourse towards the main lobby doors. Up ahead, a female asian employee in her 20s stepped through and stopped, pointing at me with her index finger down at what I thought might of been espresso spilled on my pants.

"Is that what I think it is?" she ssked, half laughing, half with curiousity.

"What?" I said, looking down at my shirt.

"No, not your shirt. THAT!" she pointed again. "By your shoe."

I looked down and to my right and there, in the middle of the concourse, was a white, nasty, crusty, dirty, obviously worn, thong.

WTF!?

I wasn't about to touch this thing, and I was in a real jam: usually at about this time: VPs, Investors, Directors, and other "brass" filed through this very concourse to get their coffee.

I instantly made a run for the reception desk, telling them to call "Janitorial" and have them meet me in the Concourse "STAT!".

The receptionist, true to her duty made the call and I ran back to the concourse. I had just returned, and a employee, a sales rep(cool guy) came in and saw the thong.

"Ewww" he said, laughing. "This yours Xander?" he asked.

"Very funny. Janitorial is on it's way."

He laughed and kicked it to the side with his shoe like a soccer player.

Then shit hit the fan: a employee who hated me, called the Militant Lady, walked through the double doors towards the cafe, entourage of employees and lackeys below her in tow. Instantly I got out of the way up against the wall, waiting for Janitorial to arrive. WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY!?

I saw the militant lady spot the thong on the side of the cource and immedietly glare at me.

I was talking on my radio: "Recep, is there a ETA on janitorial?"

"Yeah you better" Militant lady said with a glare. "That's gross!"

Well then YOU pick it up and YOU throw it away you power hungry cow!

Finally Janitorial arrived and picked it up with a Claw-like device, tossing it in the dumpster out back. I couldn't help but think that this was premeditated and asked the Janitor what he thought, a guy from Jalasco, Mexico with a goatee and a thick accent.

"Hey man, you really shouldn't leave your thong around man that is not right"

"Hey, fuck you asshole. They are not mine!"

We laughed. He was a cool guy and he was just giving me shit, but where had I heard that before?

He then proceeded to tell me every 2 months, especially when cleaning the women's restrooms, he'd find various panties laying around and toss them. How odd...

Needless to say, I didn't tell my boss or write a report: there was no way to explain it. I can imagine it now: "INCIDENT REPORT: THONG IN HALLWAY"

My boss would of thought I was nuts!

And for you curious, dirty, gutter minds, no they did not belong to me.

Assholes.

Til next time,

Xander, out.