My Crazy Weekend

AKA: Operation - Nicaragua

So, I got this friend, we will call him Link.

Link, has been, the entire week, blabbing to me about this Nicaraguan girl. "Dude. She's so hot. She's single. No kids. Dude, you have to drive up and stay the weekend. We're going to go out. It's going to be awesome. I need my Wingman."

That's right: wing-man. Given the fact I am engaged, this makes me, in Link's eyes, the perfect wing-man, because no matter what happens, nothing will happen with me and I don't care just how ugly or downright hideous the friend of Link's interest is: I'll still talk and have a good time.

So Saturday after work, I made the drive and met Link and his Cousin "Chip" at the designated club, only to find it was a singles auction for some AIDS charity. So after a $5 cover, learning there is no real DJ or dancing, we leave and go to a bar the next block over: alibi.

There I meet this supposed Miss Nicaraugua, who, after introduction by Link via whispering in her ear, asked me: "Are you gay?"

I glared at Link, who was laughing. "No. and I'm actually engaged..." and I held up the pic of my fiancee in my wallet.

With drinks coming, the night was off and running except for one problem: Whether by shyness or total disregard, Link kept ignoring her!

And every time I'd tell Link to move in, he'd talk to her or dance with her for like 30 seconds, then turn his attention elsewhere. Enter two El Salvadorian Douchebags. I don't know where this guys came from(apparently they are friends of Link's friend) but one(DB1) would hang back while the other(DB2), would start flirting with her and buying her drinks.

I immedietly sized these dudes up: flashy dressed, shaved head, flashing their money around. I knew their game. And I knew unless Link had help, they'd win.

Not on my watch!

Afterall, what kind of wingman would I be if I didn't?

So, as soon as those idiots let their guard down, I pulled her away and busted out my mad dance skills, while Chip covered my back. Once I had her nice and away from Douche 1 and Douche 2 I signaled to Link to move in and take over.

Once again, he'd hang around for about a minute, and go elsewhere. And then Douche 1 and 2 would move in again.

I texted him. NOTE: This is the actual text transmissions.

Xander: A. Ask to her to dance, and REALLY dance or b. Ask to speak in private.

I watched from across the bar. Link made to move towards her, only to retreat. What the heck is his deal? He's been nuts over this girl all week!

Douche Bag #2 was really trying his luck: kissing her neck, or trying to, only to have her laugh and move away with him going right back on her.

I faked like I was stepping outside to the smoking area, texting again.

XANDER: (text) Engage...NOW failure of shot imminent

This got a response.

LINK: Shut up and get back inside.

I felt bad for the guy. Link is my bro, and I would do ANYTHING (with limits) for him. Against these 2 Rico Suave fuckers, he stood no chance unless he stepped up and started pulling some effort. I could not do this alone, even with Chip's help.

So: after some analysis and strategic thinking, I decided to resort to harsh tactics. I was going to coax Link to her. I'd have to walk the line a bit, but Anger can be used as fuel and can be manipulated if used right.

I went right up to her as soon as Douche Bag 2 was distracted and pulled her away, starting to dance with her. I can fake Latin Dance, and I can dance, grind and sway for hours(despite pain from my legs). One thing though: I kept my hands behind my back.

This had a danger however: I am a good dancer, and I think me being engaged leaves me feeling comfortable with myself since I know nothing will happen. I don't know why, but I think women mistake this for confidence, and it acts as a radar beacon. Thus, they get the wrong idea. I don't get it: I'm not Zac Efron or anything, I'm skinny, not rich, I drive a BS Honda Civic, I have no appeal whatsoever.


So, no suprise when Nicaragua gives me that look. Not tonight Missy.

Link took the bait, but it only worked temporairly because then he gave up and went away from her again!!

There is no winning this one. I started to give up hope, but then the music stopped: the bar was shut down for the night, and we all went outside.

The Nicarguan came up to me and started talking to me,and I invited her, as per Link's request, to my upcoming party at my place. And that's when shit hit the fan.

The douchebags walk up, and douche bag 2 approaches me.

"'Ey, am I invited too?"

"I dunno...it's VIP invite only." This asshole was inviting himself to my party.

"I'm not VIP bro? Cuz if she's going so am I"

"Hey man. You want to come to the party? Talk to" I pointed to Link. "That guy. He's your connection, because I don't know you."

"Ah man don't be a hater."

I then cocked a smirk. "Got money?" I asked.

"Shit man. My shirt costs more than yours. What kind of car you drive?"

"At one point a Acura RSX. "

"Shyeet I got Ferrarris Mother Fucker" (It was later revealed he drove a beat up late 90s honda accord...) he said, putting his arms around Nicaragua's hips.

"Ferarris eh?" I said.

"Hey man... " He then stepped away. "Who do you think you are man!? You are pissing me off. You think you are such hot shit? Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Ah man. A case of mistaken identity! This guy thought I was scamming on her! I choose my battle very wisely, and I don't fight over dumb crap, especially over a woman who doesn't belong to me, or over the fact that I'm not her man, nor do I want to be the man of her slut ass.

"I don't hate the player, or the game...." I said before I busted out my Palm pre, activating it to reveal my fiancee's picture on the background. I held it up so they all could see. "In fact, I'm not even in your game. I don't want to be. In fact..." I turned to lock eyes with Miss Nicargua. "I don't even give a shit about her. " I pointed to Link. "That guy, however, does. This conversation is over..." and I turned and walked through the crowd to Chip and gave him the run down, much to his amusement.

Later, Link asked me to pick up a pack of smokes on the way back. "I'll owe you one he said.

I then glared, I almost got in a fight over him!

"No dude, you owe me more than that. I now own ever molecule in your body!"

Til next time,

Xander, out.