After a night of clubbing I was nice and cozy asleep on the futon, my world was shattered and I was jolted courtesy of Steve, Link's youngest brother who flew in from Boise State.
"Wake up!" he said.
"Grrrr"
"Come on we're going hiking!"
"Mmmm no."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm sleeping. Besides, I don't have the shoes for it."
"Just wear your sandals"
"Noooooo"
and the fucker kissed me on the cheek, much to my annoyance.
It was not immediet, but effective: I was now pissed off and I couldn't get back to sleep.
Before I knew it dawning Abercrombie Sandals, a white cap and sunglasses we all packed into the car and headed out to the hills above the Pacific Ocean.
I was running on about 5 hours sleep and was not thrilled.
But, I held my ground and the Xander you all know was ready to go in no time, and off we went: the hike began!
This place, it is is so awesome, I can't reveal its location here. BUT, they got camping facilities, hot, but once you get to the top you can see the northern tip of the valley and the rolling white-crest waves of the pacific ocean, topped with a nice cool pacific breeze that acts like a A/C.
Despite the fact my feet were torn up and killing me, the view made it totally worth it, but I was not to the top yet, which was, later learned to be around the bend.
"Go on without me Steve"
"C'mon!"
"Dude, I have blisters the size of Montana!"
"Fine. Be a bitch. Hold my cell phone. I'll come back in a bit. Ok?" He said, tossing it to me.
"Got it." I said catching it. I watched as he disapeared around the turn.
Now, for those of you who have been following my stories or know me really well, you would know I'm only truely happy when I'm doing something truely nuts!
So I got an idea: I began scrolling through Steve's contact list with a evil grin on my face, til I came upon a name of a girl: Amber.
"Hmmm" I thought. "Amber sounds hot. She's perfect!"
I then proceeded to text her the following:
"Question, why haven't we had sex yet?"
Her response: "WTF"
Later, Link came down from the top and I began to hike back down with him. During this time I told him what I did.
Though he chuckled, he couldn't help but give me words of wisdom: "You know he's going to kill you, right?"
I laughed. It was well worth it.
Later, Link ran ahead to catch up to his dad and I met up with Link and my god mother. There, I told them what I did, and it went something like this:
Xander: Uh, Steve, I did something bad(chuckle)
Steve's Mom: (gasp)
Steve: What did you do?
Xander: I scrolled through your contact list and sent a girl a text message. Who's Amber?
Steve's mom: (GASP)
Steve: YOU WHAT!? DUDE, WHAT DID YOU SAY!?
Here it comes...
Xander: I texted her: "Question, why haven't we had sex yet?"
Steve's mom: (GASP!)
Steve: YOU WHAT!!!!??? DUDE! SHE'S NOT HOT! SHE'S UGLY! (Steve's mom gasps again in disbelief) SHE'S DONE MOST OF THE BASKETBALL TEAM, HALF THE FOOTBALL TEAM, AND ONLY LIKES BLACK DUDES
Xander and Steve's mom, and even Steve: (laughs!)
From there on the walk down we had some great discussions, such as:
-How we should get Steve's Uber-Catholic Mom hella' high
-How there is not a divine force on this planet that will shut me up
-The Drug Antics of Willie Nelson and how if I had the chance I would get high with him("But dude! How many people can honestly say they got stoned with Willie Nelson")
It was a awesome day. Para mi familia segundo: Te amo!
--------------------
Later we were cooking for a dinner party and cleaning the kitchen, while Link was getting chicken out of the fridge to put on the grille.
Link: Uh oh, something is leaking out here
Me: That's what SHE said.
(Steve, Link, me, Steve's mom bursts out laughing)
-------------------
I ate til I was full and passed out. I even dreamt. I woke up to Steve's cousin yapping on her cell phone. I have tomorrow off: Steve went off with another friend, Link has work tomorrow and Link's other brother is just "wanting to relaxed". So here I sit. We'll see what crazy adventure I can come up with. When I do, I'll keep you posted.
Xander, out.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Aidan, this one's for you.
;-)
Ok so Link denied me the permission to write the follow up to OPERATION: Nicaragua, but I think I got something better.
-Stops a second to watch a car get DESTROYED on Mythbusters-
Anyway. That was really cool. Moving forward, on with the show!
NATURE BOY/NATURE GIRL
So, for those of you that do not know me, I work for a Security Company, and have been doing so for about...5 years now. I started out as everybody else does in the company: a security "officer" at a remote 3-building complex in Southern California. I was told the day I got hired that it was "the wild west" and I was the Sheriff in town: nothing was to get past me, and I would constantly be busy.
Well, next to the property was a hiking trail that was a known hangout for transients, johns, hookers and drug users, at the back of the buildings was a HUGE dirt lot, where more buildings were going to be built.
Needless to say, I had my work cut out for me.
One day, I was sitting at the front desk when a employee came up to me, pointing at the back doors leading to the open field.
"What is that guy doing out there?"
"What guy?" I asked. Did I even want to know?
"There is a guy out in the field and...he's being really weird...just thought I'd tell you" he said, as he walked off.
I radioed in that I may have a suspicious person and set out into the hot, dry, holy-fuck-french-fry-cooking sun to investigate.
Well, I didn't find any "weird guy": mostly dirt, dry weeds, piles of junk, and...something absolutely disgusting.
dirty, crusty, nasty, used women's underwear and used condoms.
EWWW!
The Johns were taking the hookers back here to uh...yeah.
-----------
WRONG PLACE, WRONG REASON
Then, there was the time during a investigation, I went to the scene of some lab cooler units to check on some crime scene barriers I put it. Some thieves had been ripping out the copper to fence later, and recently one of the idiots from the other squads tried to "chase them away" rather than call the cops. But, he got a vehicle description!
So imagine my surprise at 6 AM when I drove up to the scene and saw our suspect vehicle there. Well, instead of giving chase I cut my headlights and crept on them and called the cops.
They surrounded the car and got our suspect having sex with...can you guess? A hooker.
Not only that, but he had our stolen materials and tools in the trunk!
---------
WHAT'S THAT SMELL??
A year later I was at that contract but had been reassigned to another office(that site got sold to ironically the company I work for now).
One morning, I was in my assigned building as usual. As part of my job I had to do a morning sweep of the building and check various alarm panels, unlock some doors, etc.
Well, on this particular morning as soon as I started my sweep of the 3rd floor, a smell hit my nose. At the time I was a bachelor in my early 20s: I knew that smell all too well. Sex and Latex.
That meant, someone was, or had been, having sex in the cubicle areas!
A sweep revealed nothing suspicious, but I knew that smell!
----------
THONG SONG
A year later, same company, just another morning. I now had more responsibilities, including the entire complex of the Corporate HQ. The main building, had a cafe which was connected to the rest of the building via a long corridor("the concourse" we called it).
Anyway, it was about 7:30 AM, I just gotten my coffee and was walking down the concourse towards the main lobby doors. Up ahead, a female asian employee in her 20s stepped through and stopped, pointing at me with her index finger down at what I thought might of been espresso spilled on my pants.
"Is that what I think it is?" she ssked, half laughing, half with curiousity.
"What?" I said, looking down at my shirt.
"No, not your shirt. THAT!" she pointed again. "By your shoe."
I looked down and to my right and there, in the middle of the concourse, was a white, nasty, crusty, dirty, obviously worn, thong.
WTF!?
I wasn't about to touch this thing, and I was in a real jam: usually at about this time: VPs, Investors, Directors, and other "brass" filed through this very concourse to get their coffee.
I instantly made a run for the reception desk, telling them to call "Janitorial" and have them meet me in the Concourse "STAT!".
The receptionist, true to her duty made the call and I ran back to the concourse. I had just returned, and a employee, a sales rep(cool guy) came in and saw the thong.
"Ewww" he said, laughing. "This yours Xander?" he asked.
"Very funny. Janitorial is on it's way."
He laughed and kicked it to the side with his shoe like a soccer player.
Then shit hit the fan: a employee who hated me, called the Militant Lady, walked through the double doors towards the cafe, entourage of employees and lackeys below her in tow. Instantly I got out of the way up against the wall, waiting for Janitorial to arrive. WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY!?
I saw the militant lady spot the thong on the side of the cource and immedietly glare at me.
I was talking on my radio: "Recep, is there a ETA on janitorial?"
"Yeah you better" Militant lady said with a glare. "That's gross!"
Well then YOU pick it up and YOU throw it away you power hungry cow!
Finally Janitorial arrived and picked it up with a Claw-like device, tossing it in the dumpster out back. I couldn't help but think that this was premeditated and asked the Janitor what he thought, a guy from Jalasco, Mexico with a goatee and a thick accent.
"Hey man, you really shouldn't leave your thong around man that is not right"
"Hey, fuck you asshole. They are not mine!"
We laughed. He was a cool guy and he was just giving me shit, but where had I heard that before?
He then proceeded to tell me every 2 months, especially when cleaning the women's restrooms, he'd find various panties laying around and toss them. How odd...
Needless to say, I didn't tell my boss or write a report: there was no way to explain it. I can imagine it now: "INCIDENT REPORT: THONG IN HALLWAY"
My boss would of thought I was nuts!
And for you curious, dirty, gutter minds, no they did not belong to me.
Assholes.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Ok so Link denied me the permission to write the follow up to OPERATION: Nicaragua, but I think I got something better.
-Stops a second to watch a car get DESTROYED on Mythbusters-
Anyway. That was really cool. Moving forward, on with the show!
NATURE BOY/NATURE GIRL
So, for those of you that do not know me, I work for a Security Company, and have been doing so for about...5 years now. I started out as everybody else does in the company: a security "officer" at a remote 3-building complex in Southern California. I was told the day I got hired that it was "the wild west" and I was the Sheriff in town: nothing was to get past me, and I would constantly be busy.
Well, next to the property was a hiking trail that was a known hangout for transients, johns, hookers and drug users, at the back of the buildings was a HUGE dirt lot, where more buildings were going to be built.
Needless to say, I had my work cut out for me.
One day, I was sitting at the front desk when a employee came up to me, pointing at the back doors leading to the open field.
"What is that guy doing out there?"
"What guy?" I asked. Did I even want to know?
"There is a guy out in the field and...he's being really weird...just thought I'd tell you" he said, as he walked off.
I radioed in that I may have a suspicious person and set out into the hot, dry, holy-fuck-french-fry-cooking sun to investigate.
Well, I didn't find any "weird guy": mostly dirt, dry weeds, piles of junk, and...something absolutely disgusting.
dirty, crusty, nasty, used women's underwear and used condoms.
EWWW!
The Johns were taking the hookers back here to uh...yeah.
-----------
WRONG PLACE, WRONG REASON
Then, there was the time during a investigation, I went to the scene of some lab cooler units to check on some crime scene barriers I put it. Some thieves had been ripping out the copper to fence later, and recently one of the idiots from the other squads tried to "chase them away" rather than call the cops. But, he got a vehicle description!
So imagine my surprise at 6 AM when I drove up to the scene and saw our suspect vehicle there. Well, instead of giving chase I cut my headlights and crept on them and called the cops.
They surrounded the car and got our suspect having sex with...can you guess? A hooker.
Not only that, but he had our stolen materials and tools in the trunk!
---------
WHAT'S THAT SMELL??
A year later I was at that contract but had been reassigned to another office(that site got sold to ironically the company I work for now).
One morning, I was in my assigned building as usual. As part of my job I had to do a morning sweep of the building and check various alarm panels, unlock some doors, etc.
Well, on this particular morning as soon as I started my sweep of the 3rd floor, a smell hit my nose. At the time I was a bachelor in my early 20s: I knew that smell all too well. Sex and Latex.
That meant, someone was, or had been, having sex in the cubicle areas!
A sweep revealed nothing suspicious, but I knew that smell!
----------
THONG SONG
A year later, same company, just another morning. I now had more responsibilities, including the entire complex of the Corporate HQ. The main building, had a cafe which was connected to the rest of the building via a long corridor("the concourse" we called it).
Anyway, it was about 7:30 AM, I just gotten my coffee and was walking down the concourse towards the main lobby doors. Up ahead, a female asian employee in her 20s stepped through and stopped, pointing at me with her index finger down at what I thought might of been espresso spilled on my pants.
"Is that what I think it is?" she ssked, half laughing, half with curiousity.
"What?" I said, looking down at my shirt.
"No, not your shirt. THAT!" she pointed again. "By your shoe."
I looked down and to my right and there, in the middle of the concourse, was a white, nasty, crusty, dirty, obviously worn, thong.
WTF!?
I wasn't about to touch this thing, and I was in a real jam: usually at about this time: VPs, Investors, Directors, and other "brass" filed through this very concourse to get their coffee.
I instantly made a run for the reception desk, telling them to call "Janitorial" and have them meet me in the Concourse "STAT!".
The receptionist, true to her duty made the call and I ran back to the concourse. I had just returned, and a employee, a sales rep(cool guy) came in and saw the thong.
"Ewww" he said, laughing. "This yours Xander?" he asked.
"Very funny. Janitorial is on it's way."
He laughed and kicked it to the side with his shoe like a soccer player.
Then shit hit the fan: a employee who hated me, called the Militant Lady, walked through the double doors towards the cafe, entourage of employees and lackeys below her in tow. Instantly I got out of the way up against the wall, waiting for Janitorial to arrive. WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY!?
I saw the militant lady spot the thong on the side of the cource and immedietly glare at me.
I was talking on my radio: "Recep, is there a ETA on janitorial?"
"Yeah you better" Militant lady said with a glare. "That's gross!"
Well then YOU pick it up and YOU throw it away you power hungry cow!
Finally Janitorial arrived and picked it up with a Claw-like device, tossing it in the dumpster out back. I couldn't help but think that this was premeditated and asked the Janitor what he thought, a guy from Jalasco, Mexico with a goatee and a thick accent.
"Hey man, you really shouldn't leave your thong around man that is not right"
"Hey, fuck you asshole. They are not mine!"
We laughed. He was a cool guy and he was just giving me shit, but where had I heard that before?
He then proceeded to tell me every 2 months, especially when cleaning the women's restrooms, he'd find various panties laying around and toss them. How odd...
Needless to say, I didn't tell my boss or write a report: there was no way to explain it. I can imagine it now: "INCIDENT REPORT: THONG IN HALLWAY"
My boss would of thought I was nuts!
And for you curious, dirty, gutter minds, no they did not belong to me.
Assholes.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Hmmm
Not sure what to write about. No word on the Insect-sex-guy, Lindsey Lohan finally appeared in court, my party-fueled weekend never happened, and I have to ask Link for permission to post the EXCLUSIVE update on OPERATION: NICARAGUA.
Well, I guess I could write about whats going on en "la vida loca" that is my family life, but, to be honest, I kind of want to leave them out of it. I mean, I dunno, I am sure you guys would rather hear about something else that is awesome in my life rather than the Spanish Telenovella that occurs in my home. So, unless YOU GUYS(the readers) say otherwise, I will avoid writing about them. I mean, it's sort of a cop out: a cheap shot, too easy. I could spend POST AFTER POST AFTER POST talking about all the crap that occurs there.
Anyway, AH! Here we go. So, this Monday is Memorial Day. Which means no class, which means I actually get a Sunday. SO with that said, I have to figure out a way to make those days as AWESOME AS POSSIBLE: Laser Tag, Going to the movies, going clubbing, drinking to excess(fairly easy for me to do), explore the uknown!Hell I don't have to be at work til 3 PM Tuesday so that buys me some more time. That said, if you have any ideas for me to do, email me here or at thehappiestloser@yahoo.com!
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Well, I guess I could write about whats going on en "la vida loca" that is my family life, but, to be honest, I kind of want to leave them out of it. I mean, I dunno, I am sure you guys would rather hear about something else that is awesome in my life rather than the Spanish Telenovella that occurs in my home. So, unless YOU GUYS(the readers) say otherwise, I will avoid writing about them. I mean, it's sort of a cop out: a cheap shot, too easy. I could spend POST AFTER POST AFTER POST talking about all the crap that occurs there.
Anyway, AH! Here we go. So, this Monday is Memorial Day. Which means no class, which means I actually get a Sunday. SO with that said, I have to figure out a way to make those days as AWESOME AS POSSIBLE: Laser Tag, Going to the movies, going clubbing, drinking to excess(fairly easy for me to do), explore the uknown!Hell I don't have to be at work til 3 PM Tuesday so that buys me some more time. That said, if you have any ideas for me to do, email me here or at thehappiestloser@yahoo.com!
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
To the Readers
Hey you!
Yes, you, you at the computer!
Seriously, to those reading this, I need the following:
-questions
-comments
-feedback
-even constructive criticism
-replies
and for those who havent subscribed yet, Tam, this means you, SUBSCRIBE! -.-
Please??
Yes, you, you at the computer!
Seriously, to those reading this, I need the following:
-questions
-comments
-feedback
-even constructive criticism
-replies
and for those who havent subscribed yet, Tam, this means you, SUBSCRIBE! -.-
Please??
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
So yeah I'm a huge dork....
So I was on my way to work from dropping my mom off at the airport, when I was flipping channels on the radio. I was really early to work and so far it had been a good day. Imagine how stoked I was when FOOTLOOSE began to play on the radio! In true dork fashion I popped on my sunglasses and after getting off the exit came to a stop at a red light. I lowered the windows down, cranked up the music and started dancing and snapping my fingers, much to the amusement of the Indian dude on my left and to the disdain of the Asian lady on my right.
It was awesome! I cruised right into the parking lot blasting Footlose and dancing and snapping my finger as I made my way right into a parking spot, just as the song ended!
It couldn't of gone any better. This true dork moment has been brought to you by Happiest Loser Productions.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
It was awesome! I cruised right into the parking lot blasting Footlose and dancing and snapping my finger as I made my way right into a parking spot, just as the song ended!
It couldn't of gone any better. This true dork moment has been brought to you by Happiest Loser Productions.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
My Crazy Weekend
AKA: Operation - Nicaragua
So, I got this friend, we will call him Link.
Link, has been, the entire week, blabbing to me about this Nicaraguan girl. "Dude. She's so hot. She's single. No kids. Dude, you have to drive up and stay the weekend. We're going to go out. It's going to be awesome. I need my Wingman."
That's right: wing-man. Given the fact I am engaged, this makes me, in Link's eyes, the perfect wing-man, because no matter what happens, nothing will happen with me and I don't care just how ugly or downright hideous the friend of Link's interest is: I'll still talk and have a good time.
So Saturday after work, I made the drive and met Link and his Cousin "Chip" at the designated club, only to find it was a singles auction for some AIDS charity. So after a $5 cover, learning there is no real DJ or dancing, we leave and go to a bar the next block over: alibi.
There I meet this supposed Miss Nicaraugua, who, after introduction by Link via whispering in her ear, asked me: "Are you gay?"
I glared at Link, who was laughing. "No. and I'm actually engaged..." and I held up the pic of my fiancee in my wallet.
With drinks coming, the night was off and running except for one problem: Whether by shyness or total disregard, Link kept ignoring her!
And every time I'd tell Link to move in, he'd talk to her or dance with her for like 30 seconds, then turn his attention elsewhere. Enter two El Salvadorian Douchebags. I don't know where this guys came from(apparently they are friends of Link's friend) but one(DB1) would hang back while the other(DB2), would start flirting with her and buying her drinks.
I immedietly sized these dudes up: flashy dressed, shaved head, flashing their money around. I knew their game. And I knew unless Link had help, they'd win.
Not on my watch!
Afterall, what kind of wingman would I be if I didn't?
So, as soon as those idiots let their guard down, I pulled her away and busted out my mad dance skills, while Chip covered my back. Once I had her nice and away from Douche 1 and Douche 2 I signaled to Link to move in and take over.
Once again, he'd hang around for about a minute, and go elsewhere. And then Douche 1 and 2 would move in again.
I texted him. NOTE: This is the actual text transmissions.
Xander: A. Ask to her to dance, and REALLY dance or b. Ask to speak in private.
I watched from across the bar. Link made to move towards her, only to retreat. What the heck is his deal? He's been nuts over this girl all week!
Douche Bag #2 was really trying his luck: kissing her neck, or trying to, only to have her laugh and move away with him going right back on her.
I faked like I was stepping outside to the smoking area, texting again.
XANDER: (text) Engage...NOW failure of shot imminent
This got a response.
LINK: Shut up and get back inside.
I felt bad for the guy. Link is my bro, and I would do ANYTHING (with limits) for him. Against these 2 Rico Suave fuckers, he stood no chance unless he stepped up and started pulling some effort. I could not do this alone, even with Chip's help.
So: after some analysis and strategic thinking, I decided to resort to harsh tactics. I was going to coax Link to her. I'd have to walk the line a bit, but Anger can be used as fuel and can be manipulated if used right.
I went right up to her as soon as Douche Bag 2 was distracted and pulled her away, starting to dance with her. I can fake Latin Dance, and I can dance, grind and sway for hours(despite pain from my legs). One thing though: I kept my hands behind my back.
This had a danger however: I am a good dancer, and I think me being engaged leaves me feeling comfortable with myself since I know nothing will happen. I don't know why, but I think women mistake this for confidence, and it acts as a radar beacon. Thus, they get the wrong idea. I don't get it: I'm not Zac Efron or anything, I'm skinny, not rich, I drive a BS Honda Civic, I have no appeal whatsoever.
So, no suprise when Nicaragua gives me that look. Not tonight Missy.
Link took the bait, but it only worked temporairly because then he gave up and went away from her again!!
There is no winning this one. I started to give up hope, but then the music stopped: the bar was shut down for the night, and we all went outside.
The Nicarguan came up to me and started talking to me,and I invited her, as per Link's request, to my upcoming party at my place. And that's when shit hit the fan.
The douchebags walk up, and douche bag 2 approaches me.
"'Ey, am I invited too?"
"I dunno...it's VIP invite only." This asshole was inviting himself to my party.
"I'm not VIP bro? Cuz if she's going so am I"
"Hey man. You want to come to the party? Talk to" I pointed to Link. "That guy. He's your connection, because I don't know you."
"Ah man don't be a hater."
I then cocked a smirk. "Got money?" I asked.
"Shit man. My shirt costs more than yours. What kind of car you drive?"
"At one point a Acura RSX. "
"Shyeet I got Ferrarris Mother Fucker" (It was later revealed he drove a beat up late 90s honda accord...) he said, putting his arms around Nicaragua's hips.
"Ferarris eh?" I said.
"Hey man... " He then stepped away. "Who do you think you are man!? You are pissing me off. You think you are such hot shit? Don't hate the player, hate the game."
Ah man. A case of mistaken identity! This guy thought I was scamming on her! I choose my battle very wisely, and I don't fight over dumb crap, especially over a woman who doesn't belong to me, or over the fact that I'm not her man, nor do I want to be the man of her slut ass.
"I don't hate the player, or the game...." I said before I busted out my Palm pre, activating it to reveal my fiancee's picture on the background. I held it up so they all could see. "In fact, I'm not even in your game. I don't want to be. In fact..." I turned to lock eyes with Miss Nicargua. "I don't even give a shit about her. " I pointed to Link. "That guy, however, does. This conversation is over..." and I turned and walked through the crowd to Chip and gave him the run down, much to his amusement.
Later, Link asked me to pick up a pack of smokes on the way back. "I'll owe you one he said.
I then glared, I almost got in a fight over him!
"No dude, you owe me more than that. I now own ever molecule in your body!"
Til next time,
Xander, out.
So, I got this friend, we will call him Link.
Link, has been, the entire week, blabbing to me about this Nicaraguan girl. "Dude. She's so hot. She's single. No kids. Dude, you have to drive up and stay the weekend. We're going to go out. It's going to be awesome. I need my Wingman."
That's right: wing-man. Given the fact I am engaged, this makes me, in Link's eyes, the perfect wing-man, because no matter what happens, nothing will happen with me and I don't care just how ugly or downright hideous the friend of Link's interest is: I'll still talk and have a good time.
So Saturday after work, I made the drive and met Link and his Cousin "Chip" at the designated club, only to find it was a singles auction for some AIDS charity. So after a $5 cover, learning there is no real DJ or dancing, we leave and go to a bar the next block over: alibi.
There I meet this supposed Miss Nicaraugua, who, after introduction by Link via whispering in her ear, asked me: "Are you gay?"
I glared at Link, who was laughing. "No. and I'm actually engaged..." and I held up the pic of my fiancee in my wallet.
With drinks coming, the night was off and running except for one problem: Whether by shyness or total disregard, Link kept ignoring her!
And every time I'd tell Link to move in, he'd talk to her or dance with her for like 30 seconds, then turn his attention elsewhere. Enter two El Salvadorian Douchebags. I don't know where this guys came from(apparently they are friends of Link's friend) but one(DB1) would hang back while the other(DB2), would start flirting with her and buying her drinks.
I immedietly sized these dudes up: flashy dressed, shaved head, flashing their money around. I knew their game. And I knew unless Link had help, they'd win.
Not on my watch!
Afterall, what kind of wingman would I be if I didn't?
So, as soon as those idiots let their guard down, I pulled her away and busted out my mad dance skills, while Chip covered my back. Once I had her nice and away from Douche 1 and Douche 2 I signaled to Link to move in and take over.
Once again, he'd hang around for about a minute, and go elsewhere. And then Douche 1 and 2 would move in again.
I texted him. NOTE: This is the actual text transmissions.
Xander: A. Ask to her to dance, and REALLY dance or b. Ask to speak in private.
I watched from across the bar. Link made to move towards her, only to retreat. What the heck is his deal? He's been nuts over this girl all week!
Douche Bag #2 was really trying his luck: kissing her neck, or trying to, only to have her laugh and move away with him going right back on her.
I faked like I was stepping outside to the smoking area, texting again.
XANDER: (text) Engage...NOW failure of shot imminent
This got a response.
LINK: Shut up and get back inside.
I felt bad for the guy. Link is my bro, and I would do ANYTHING (with limits) for him. Against these 2 Rico Suave fuckers, he stood no chance unless he stepped up and started pulling some effort. I could not do this alone, even with Chip's help.
So: after some analysis and strategic thinking, I decided to resort to harsh tactics. I was going to coax Link to her. I'd have to walk the line a bit, but Anger can be used as fuel and can be manipulated if used right.
I went right up to her as soon as Douche Bag 2 was distracted and pulled her away, starting to dance with her. I can fake Latin Dance, and I can dance, grind and sway for hours(despite pain from my legs). One thing though: I kept my hands behind my back.
This had a danger however: I am a good dancer, and I think me being engaged leaves me feeling comfortable with myself since I know nothing will happen. I don't know why, but I think women mistake this for confidence, and it acts as a radar beacon. Thus, they get the wrong idea. I don't get it: I'm not Zac Efron or anything, I'm skinny, not rich, I drive a BS Honda Civic, I have no appeal whatsoever.
So, no suprise when Nicaragua gives me that look. Not tonight Missy.
Link took the bait, but it only worked temporairly because then he gave up and went away from her again!!
There is no winning this one. I started to give up hope, but then the music stopped: the bar was shut down for the night, and we all went outside.
The Nicarguan came up to me and started talking to me,and I invited her, as per Link's request, to my upcoming party at my place. And that's when shit hit the fan.
The douchebags walk up, and douche bag 2 approaches me.
"'Ey, am I invited too?"
"I dunno...it's VIP invite only." This asshole was inviting himself to my party.
"I'm not VIP bro? Cuz if she's going so am I"
"Hey man. You want to come to the party? Talk to" I pointed to Link. "That guy. He's your connection, because I don't know you."
"Ah man don't be a hater."
I then cocked a smirk. "Got money?" I asked.
"Shit man. My shirt costs more than yours. What kind of car you drive?"
"At one point a Acura RSX. "
"Shyeet I got Ferrarris Mother Fucker" (It was later revealed he drove a beat up late 90s honda accord...) he said, putting his arms around Nicaragua's hips.
"Ferarris eh?" I said.
"Hey man... " He then stepped away. "Who do you think you are man!? You are pissing me off. You think you are such hot shit? Don't hate the player, hate the game."
Ah man. A case of mistaken identity! This guy thought I was scamming on her! I choose my battle very wisely, and I don't fight over dumb crap, especially over a woman who doesn't belong to me, or over the fact that I'm not her man, nor do I want to be the man of her slut ass.
"I don't hate the player, or the game...." I said before I busted out my Palm pre, activating it to reveal my fiancee's picture on the background. I held it up so they all could see. "In fact, I'm not even in your game. I don't want to be. In fact..." I turned to lock eyes with Miss Nicargua. "I don't even give a shit about her. " I pointed to Link. "That guy, however, does. This conversation is over..." and I turned and walked through the crowd to Chip and gave him the run down, much to his amusement.
Later, Link asked me to pick up a pack of smokes on the way back. "I'll owe you one he said.
I then glared, I almost got in a fight over him!
"No dude, you owe me more than that. I now own ever molecule in your body!"
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Oops
I messed up on the email. To email me, it's thehappiestloser@yahoo.com. Stay tuned for a new blog, posted tonight!
PROPS TO: CHRIS DUNCAN FOR BEING THE FIRST OFFICIAL SUBSCRIBER!
Seriously, people, subscribe!
PROPS TO: CHRIS DUNCAN FOR BEING THE FIRST OFFICIAL SUBSCRIBER!
Seriously, people, subscribe!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
TADA!
Holy smokes.
I've actually done it: I have created a real blogspace.
First, they were on my space.
Then I got to facebook.
But then I ran into some issues:
My mother, great aunt, etc. added my facebook account. They would see some of the mean, insane, sometimes terrifying things I would write in my notes. Sometimes they made you laugh, sometimes they straught out offended you. Before they always thought of me as that angelic guy they know, but here they would get a in-depth look of what they were dealing with that few people actually see.
You can imagine the reaction I face.
So I moved all operations.
Best of all, it isn't entirely about me, it's about *points to the reader* YOU! Yes, you. The one who is wasting your time actually reading this. Apparently people like my stories of my chaotic life. I didn't believe it at first: people actually read this crap?
But yes, you do. Some you have been reading my stories from back when I was on myspace. So here it is, I, Xander, the Happiest Loser, am declaring this 50% READER DRIVEN!
Thats right. If you want me to write about something, you can comment here or at thehappiestloser@yahoo.com and I'll work it in.
Want to leave a comment, idea, question, insult, your phone number(Just kidding...I'm engaged to a lovely woman whom I love very much...unless you are Penelope Cruz lol XD)? You are free to do so!
So fasten your seatbelt, let the fun begin!
I've actually done it: I have created a real blogspace.
First, they were on my space.
Then I got to facebook.
But then I ran into some issues:
My mother, great aunt, etc. added my facebook account. They would see some of the mean, insane, sometimes terrifying things I would write in my notes. Sometimes they made you laugh, sometimes they straught out offended you. Before they always thought of me as that angelic guy they know, but here they would get a in-depth look of what they were dealing with that few people actually see.
You can imagine the reaction I face.
So I moved all operations.
Best of all, it isn't entirely about me, it's about *points to the reader* YOU! Yes, you. The one who is wasting your time actually reading this. Apparently people like my stories of my chaotic life. I didn't believe it at first: people actually read this crap?
But yes, you do. Some you have been reading my stories from back when I was on myspace. So here it is, I, Xander, the Happiest Loser, am declaring this 50% READER DRIVEN!
Thats right. If you want me to write about something, you can comment here or at thehappiestloser@yahoo.com and I'll work it in.
Want to leave a comment, idea, question, insult, your phone number(Just kidding...I'm engaged to a lovely woman whom I love very much...unless you are Penelope Cruz lol XD)? You are free to do so!
So fasten your seatbelt, let the fun begin!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
