Double Oh No

Sorry for the absence, I've been on vacation. Happy birthday to my brother!
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Ok, so today, I read this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_doj_russia_arrests.

Done?

Ok. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

That Femme Fatale chick is facing a sentence of ONLY FIVE FLIPPING YEARS?

You know what that means right?

No?

Observe!

She has facebook right?

Well, I sent her this litle gem via facebook....
"Dear Anna AKA Anya,

You better pray to god a 5 year sentence is the least of your worries. Back before WWII, we used to execute people like you on a regular basis dating back to the Revolutionary War. May god(and our Anti Terrorist Courts) have mercy on you."

I know, I'm mean.

But, I wouldn't be here if I was nice.

and like I said, her good looks and deceptive ways will only go so far....

Til next time,

Xander out.

Adventures of El Gymnasio

So I've been going to this locally-owned gym.

And it's been quite the adventure in itself.

For starters, I go in the mornings mostly around 10-11:30ish. This some stuff I just observed that y'all might find funny.

#1: THE OLD GUY FARTED

So I was in one of the rooms working out my triceps when this old skinny dude walked in. It was just us. Well, he sat down at the chest press machine nearby and began his work out.

I didn't think anything of it til he got up and walked past me and I was then hit square in the face with the most PUTRID ODOR EVER!

It was like....Baby Dysentery combined with Old Rotting Flesh. I stopped mid workout and looked at the guy like I was going to die.

Then he turned, saw my facial expression, and shot me a look like "It wasn't me, it was you!"

Omigod. It was disgusting! I wanted to throw up, but for some reason did not. I'm not kidding or exagerating: this guy farted!

#2: THEY CAME FROM THE MENS LOCKER ROOM

Right now, the Men's Locker Room is disgusting. I'm not even going to try and describe what it smells like.

But even worse, is a problem that plagues me that is even worse: Naked people.

Seriously, I don't want to die into detail, but guys, there is something called a Towel. Learn it, use it. I DO NOT want to see your naked ass under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I don't care if you are a old, skinny, fat, or cut like David Beckham, have some common decency.

No joke, I see these guys prancing around as naked as the day they were born. Jeez!

Do these fuckers think they are impressing anyone?

Well they aren't impressing me, BHLEH.

Til next time,

a very disturbed Xander, out.

OPERATION: LDS

As a writer/wannabe-screen-writer/wannabe-film-maker/wannabe-journalist/secret agent, I have always wanted to infiltrate some sort of wayward faction here in the US of A. Sign up, join their ranks, hang out, learn what makes them tick, then write something about it for the masses.

This one dude, Kevin Roose, infilrated Liberty University: the nation's most strict christian college, and wrote about it(It's called "the unlikely disciple" and it's friggin' awesome!).

Me on the other hand, I have more...bold tastes.

Years ago I plotted to infiltrate a local scientology church, but then multiple people warned me of the dangers involved(now I pretty much ignore those warning LOL).

Then I wanted to infiltrate a local S&M group that met at the Denny's every tuesday night. You'd be amazed at who are actually involved in this shit: local bussinessmen, judges, politicians, and other people you'd least suspect, even Father O'Malley!(J/K).

But recently, inspired by a Middle Eastern Comedian(Aron Kader of Axis of Evil), yesterday while bored at work I decided to research what it would take to infiltrate the Mormon Church and become a missionary.

After reading the requirements, I came to a few conclusions, being the Rogue Christian-Remix that I am:

1. Fuck that shit.

2. I REFUSE to bunkmate with some weirdo guy for 2 years

3. I refuse not to touch a woman affectionately for 2 years: I'm engaged people!

4. I'm way too old. I'm 29 in 8 days. The average age for starting missionary training is 18!

Still I think it'd be funny, considering I find it hard to believe that you can read just ONE BOOK and "get it".

Til next time, Xander, out.

XANDER AKNOWLEDGES POLITICAL HUMOR

I didn't make this, I saw it on a website, but I found it so funny, I decided to post it. Courtesy of Meaningless Comics:





Til next time,

Xander, out.

HILARIOUS

As a writer(and soon to be Film Maker if it all goes right) I not only feel it is my duty to put my own stuff out there to be enjoyed by a audience, but the work of others too. Without further adeau...This is from the Ronnie James show in Australia. Australian TV RULES!

BT IN CONCERT!

Ok, I know I've been boring lately. For that, I apologize. BUT, every storm, has a calm before it hits, and that is what happened with me. And that storm, is BT, performing at the Shoreline this past Sunday.

BT, is my favorite DJ, who I learned about through my sister when I was ...19. A DJ, a Producer, a musician, and even a composer for movie scores, this guy is PHENOMENAL. Now, for some reason unknown to me, this guy rarely comes to my area. In the few times in the past 10 years he's come, nobody would go with me, and my sister would always flake out(Thanks Sis -.-)

Well, recently she shot me a email that he was coming, and right then and there, I bought my ticket, VIP online. It was on my bucket list to see him, and I was going, whether I was alone or not. Intel said he would be performing at 2:00 PM so I got up bright, early, and made the trip.

I stopped at a store, downed a red bull, scarfed some reeses and continued to journey since I knew food and water would be INSANELY OVERPRICED.

Well, parking was a breeze, I parked really close. I made my way into the VIP line , got in and was told the following: There is no backstage, and BT won't be performing, as per the flier, til 8:00 PM!

So, with my battery power low I decided to make the best of it. I watched some DJs performed, was front row, danced, got crazy, had a ball. Every 1 hour set or two I would refill up on water(It was 100 degrees that day), use facilities, down a iced lemonade or two.

At one point, I returned back to the Techno area to hear and see on stage 2 fat asian ladies in their 40s and some ugly black chick rapping/screaming at each-other. It was hilarious!

"What the hell is this...who the hell are they?" I asked as I watched from the rear of the crowd. They were rapping about something about how they are "mean bitches".

Hey, no need to tell me twice. I'll take your word for it, ladies! It was so horrible, it was funny. Seriously, I rank these ladies a notch below Lil Wayne, and to me, that guy (now anyway) is one of the worst rappers out there!

Then let's see....Dyloot spun..I've seen him a few times at Love parade and TechnoPop and he's pretty good. Then things got REALLY crazy when this DJ trio called "Toxic Avenger" began their set. One did all the work, the other two jumped around and got the crowd psyched. That's when the crowd surfing, moshing(in a techno concert, yes), began. It's also when I began to get crushed, squeezed, stomped, yanked on, and touched on every inch of my body by sweaty ass teenie boppers of both genders: yes, very disturbing.

Then, this guy named Dan Black performed, some kind of Pop Artist. "Who's that guy?" I asked some chick next to me in front row. "Dan Black and he's awesome!" she said.

Hmm.

Ok after watching him perform, let me save you the trouble of Wikipedia. Imagine Adam Levine from Maroon5. Imagine him having a British younger or older brother, who is arguably 50% bi sexual, on LSD (or some other happy drug) and you can't understand a damn thing he says. That's Dan Black for you. He also took the liberty of saying "Whats up San Francisco...I mean, oops. What's up Bay Area!" and then instead of saying "Thank you" at the end of his set, he said "Fuck you".

Wow.

Yeah, I know. I said the same thing.

So then finally, I made my preparations. I was going to be front row, for BT. End of story! No force other than God was going to stop me. I got up front early and man did things get packed. Really packed. And then he began!


It was a awesome show, and my Blackhawk 2-day Assault Pack came in handy in keeping people from crushing up against me from behind("I hope that's a girl who just grabbed my ass!"). One thing is, this er...Black Dude kept grabbing the Rescue Strap of my backpack and choking me. Or, he'd rest his arm on my shoulder. I was starting to get really pissed at him.

Then, I accidentally elbowed some chick in the chest. I heard someone just over my shoulder yell "XANDER" and I turned yelling "WHAT" at the top my lungs and BAM! Right into the left chest of some blonde. On the slim chance she's reading this: to the curvy blonde in the blue-white plad bikini top who I elbowed: SORRY!

I was able to video tape a mere 10-seconds of footage while he performed before security reached over the barrier and signaled to me I could not video tape. Fuck 'em!

And afterwards, I left and got into my car...only to discover I was now somewhat deaf with a ringing that is STILL in my ears. It's like a faint whine in my left, and I was told it'll go away in a few days...my hearings a bit off but I can tell it's getting better. It is ALOT better than it was: when I first got into my car my voice sounded like a Oompa Loompa on crack!

I have some photos, which I will post soon with some video. Stay tuned!

Until then,

Xander, out.

Politicly Incorrect

So in my job, unless there is something going down there isn't too much to do except lose your mind or watch one of the two-big-screen news feeds such as CNN or FOXNEWS. It's just part of my job, and as part of my studies, to keep up to speed on our country and it's current events in contrast to the rest of the world.

And because of this, it is now, I give you my...DUN DUN DUN...opinion on how I think our country needs fixing. So strap on your seatbelts, here we go!

1. Our country is way too user friendly. Think about it...

Now that you are "tuned in"...

2. Get rid of "No Child Left Behind". Good intentions, yes, but now you are taking away our children's summers, and time that should be spent "playing." I mean, heck, when I was a kid, you'd have to be FRIGGIN' RETARDED to fail Kindergarten. Now? It's not too uncommon....When I was a kid, we played outside, until the streetlights came on. That was the universal: time to come in. In summer, this was replaced by "until the sun goes down." Learn it, use it.


3. Immigration: Yes, it is a nessecary evil. We DO need to protect our borders. Yes, you CAN stay here, as long as you do it LEGALLY. I should know...

4. If I had it my way, Child-Sex-Crime-Offenders, on the 2nd count, as long as it is physical, after 3 months post conviction by a JURY OF YOUR PEERS or GRAND JURY, get a bullet to the head. Period. Those whiny critics citing "cruel and unusual punishment" can go tell it to the parents of/and those victimized by Sex Offenders. I'm getting sick of hearing about crimes where investigation revealed the suspect had a prior history.

5. Nancy Grace needs to shut the fuck up. We don't care about missing white girls(or at least I DO NOT CARE about missing white girls).

6.Don't Ask/Don't tell: Ok, I may not be military, but I have several friends who are and I study the Military as a hobby, reading such books as Stephen E. Ambrose(Band of Brothers), Tim O'Brien, etc. I can't think of a SINGLE COUNTRY (aside our own) where Gays in the military are a issue. It's a pretty simple concept: you do not tell us you are gay, we do not ask, nobody cares. You are a soldier. End of story. Your job is to cover our "serving sons" and shoot at Ali Gadouche when he tries to blow your head off with a AK-47, not be like "YAY I'M OPENLY HOMO SEXUAL IN THE MILITARY AND I CAN SAY SO FREELY". No wonder half the world hates our guts and frowns upon us. Yes, ok, freedom of expression, constitutional rights. But there is a line to be drawn: If you are in the army, you have almost no rights. You are US GOVERNMENT PROPERTY. If I am a soldier, and I am on the line, I don't care if the guy next to me masturbates to pics of Richard Simmons: all I want is to him to shut the fuck up and cover me!

7. Abortion: Ok, this has been the subject of argument for hundreds of years. If you really get down to it: you gotta' do what you gotta' do. Granted, people should be held accountable for their actions(read: stupidity) when it comes to birth control and safe sex, but seriously, the only reason alot of people make a huge stink about it is because THE BIBLE SAYS SO.

8. Government Spending: The solution is simple. Quit wasting money, on dumb crap. Afghanistan? Ok. Iraq: No. And don't give me this "Weapons of Mass Destruction" crap, according to google and a few books I read, we haven't found shit.

and I would finish this but I've been swamped at work and shit just hit the fan. STAY TUNED!

Xander, out.

Dance with me

So my lovely latin love has wanted me, for some reason, to write about me dancing before I met her. Not sure why, but here it goes. Nena Bonita, this is for you.

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FACT: Xander likes to dance.

And when I say dance, I mean really dance. Hip hop, grinding, freaking, even Salsa. Though I may not be able to actually Salsa, I can at least fake it, or try for that matter.

I can dance for hours, with anyone, if motivated enough. Before my fiancee, back when I was 22-23, there was one girl ever on this EARTH who could keep up and give me a run for the money: Rachael.

I remember when I first saw her: a skinny buxom blonde in a white tank top and tight jeans, dancing around the dance floor of FBC(A bar/club I used to go to) like a girl from a 50-cent video. I noticed though many guys were watching this cute, skinny, blonde, nobody danced with her.

Well, I asked her to dance. She accepted. And she tore, me, up!

I could barely handle her.

My thighs, my legs, my knees, even my ankles, hurt very bad. But like a Cowboy trying to tame a bucking bronco, I refused to break away.

Believe it or not, I didn't hook up with her. She lived a very crazy life, and I didn't want to be dragged into it. I don't care how good she danced or how hot she was. I had limits.

Now, my fiancee doesn't seem to believe me. Here in America, we dance sexy. That is just how it is. Oh well. She will learn eventually.

Til next time,

Xander, out.