So, I made my way back to FBC where I ran into my friend Dustin, who informed me Chris would be there soon with his new girlfriend, Melissa.
"What is she like?" I inquired. Chris has a weird track record of women....
"She's cool dude. A little thick but she's awesome. She takes good care of him. You will like her."
I bought him a beer and as we proceeded to get shit faced, Chris arrived, who introduced me to his girlfriend Melissa.
Now, Melissa, and I know eachother.
FLASHBACK TO MAY...
I had arrived at the Brit to meet Chris after just returning from Spring Break in Guatemala. He left because he was tired and I was pissed because now I was here and nobody to hang with.
I walked in to find a private party of sorts, with a bunch of girls dancing sexy everywhere.
It was then, the DJ kicked on a pole dancing contest.
The best one, was this ...curvy blonde. She won first place, and was doing her encore. She leaned over a chair, pushing her cleavage towards me. I checked my pockets and, all I had was Q1 Guatemalan Currency. I'll give you a hint: 1 USD = 8Q. Translation: it was worthless, and I put it down her shirt!
She seemed happy at first, til she looked at it with closer inspection and immedietly got pissed off!
"WHAT IS THIS!?" she approached me, glaring as she held out the Q1 note. "IS THIS COUNTERFEIT!?"
"No." I began to laugh. "It's Guatemalan currency. I just got back from Latin America."
She walked away shaking her head.
-------------
Flash forward to now:
We both, as we shook hands, made a face and said "I know you from somewhere..."
Chris was in disbelief. "Wait, y'all know eachother?"
"Yeah..." I said. "But I can't remember how..." Then it hit me.
"Wait, several months ago...you were at the brit...Pole Dancing contest...and I gave her GUATEMALAN MONEY!"
She gasped. "YOU!"
I turned to Chris. "THIS IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND!? DUDE SHES AWESOME! A real keeper."
We then proceeded to get TOTALLY WRECKED. Some highlights according to Chris and his girlfriend:
1. I told the story how Chris and I got into a full-blown John-Woo style BB GUN(read: Air Pistols, not Airsoft) shootout in his kitchen.
2. Apparently while I was at peek wrecked-ness, I stood up, tried to climb onto the roof of FBC from the back deck muttering something about Jason Bourne and "Spiderman". They had to pull me down.
3. I went to the bathroom after FBC shut down for the night, and the Bartender decided to put on that Motley Crue song "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS" from the Juke Box.
I stumbled out yelling "WHERE ARE THE STRIPPERS?" while looking around.
4. While waiting in line for above-said bathroom this Cougar-lady a tube top walked by. "Sweet! Cougars are here." I said to Dustin.
Guy in line next to me: Umm...That's my wife.
Me: er...ok. Correction: Sweet! Cougar-wives are here.
Dustin to Guy: Ignore him.
5. (after looking around at the Last Call crowd) "Why do all the women here look like Dead Hookers?"
Finally the decision was made to leave my car and drive back to my Suite for pizza and drinks, where we passed out afterwards....
Stay tuned for part 3
Monday, September 27, 2010
One Crazy Weekend
So in the late hours of Wenesday night, as I cruised to work in my trusty chariot: I came up with a crazy idea. Motivated by a fire that burns within, I decided that after I got off work(7 AM the following morning) I would cruise to Santa Cruz where I would book a Suite at a hotel and party with old friends like a rock star, no holds barred.
So sure enough, on my lunch break I booked a Business Suite that lay a 5 minute drive from Capitola Beach, but it wouldn't be available til 3 PM. I had to improvise: I would drive to Mom's house, say hi, bullshit for 30 minutes or so, and go to bed.
Once I arrived at my mom's house, I stuck to the plan, nuff said. I said hi, asked how she was doing, talked for a bit, went to bed in the guest bedroom. As I lay in that bed I thought of the countless couples who have screwed in that bed. I couldn't help but wonder, despite the fact it had been cleaned numerous times, would I get herpes or something?
No matter. At 2:00 PM my alarm on my watch beeped and I got ready. Thing was, I didn't have any clothes or supplies. I did however have some cologne and my laptop and my work clothes so I had the OK essentials but I needed some "gear".
That said, after checking into my new room I went to the mall just around the corner.
As I walked down one of the concourses towards American Eagle, Gamestop, Express and SPRINT, I saw a sight that took my breathe away.
I saw my ex, the ex, the one who did me wrong, who betrayed my dying heart, who left me wounded for many years, walking towards me...PUSHING A BABY CARRIAGE!
Apparently alot can happen in 3 years.
Every memory I tried to erase, came flooding back in my face like a wall of fire!
I instantly ran into game stop, watching as she moved along to god knows where.
Half of me, was shaken up by what I just saw.
The other half of me, got over it real quick and was glad that little beast on wheels wasn't mine, which it EASILY could have been(but wasn't). I'm better off now. I have a better woman: someone more classy, more beautiful, and not as ...well...skanky.
"I would be laughing if I were you." said a friend, Chris. "The kind of laugh like Nelson from Simpsons. Shes the one with a baby, not you. Trust me on this. You are better off.(Note: Chris has a kid from a evil ex).
So, after getting some clubber clothes, some pizza, booze I returned to base. Some pizza, some techno, I got ready to go and then the pre-gaming began:
Coke Red Mountain Dew + Vodka = AWESOME. Just 1 did the job.
From there, I drove to my old stomping ground, DBC in Capitola Beach.
WTF? Where was everyone?? It sucked!
This place used to be CRAZY by 8:30!
And where the hell was Chris? Or My friend Dustin?
Grrr. I decided to walk along the beach. It was a full moon, the ocean unually calm as I walked the coast line chugging my covert "Code Red Cocktail". I climbed a life guard tower and sat, looking out at the bay as the moon reflected off the calm waters.
It was there I began to think: Was I really better off? What was I doing? What was I doing here?? What did the future hold??? I then sent out via cell phone a status on my facebook: I WILL SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS THAN INSANITY.
To be continued...
So sure enough, on my lunch break I booked a Business Suite that lay a 5 minute drive from Capitola Beach, but it wouldn't be available til 3 PM. I had to improvise: I would drive to Mom's house, say hi, bullshit for 30 minutes or so, and go to bed.
Once I arrived at my mom's house, I stuck to the plan, nuff said. I said hi, asked how she was doing, talked for a bit, went to bed in the guest bedroom. As I lay in that bed I thought of the countless couples who have screwed in that bed. I couldn't help but wonder, despite the fact it had been cleaned numerous times, would I get herpes or something?
No matter. At 2:00 PM my alarm on my watch beeped and I got ready. Thing was, I didn't have any clothes or supplies. I did however have some cologne and my laptop and my work clothes so I had the OK essentials but I needed some "gear".
That said, after checking into my new room I went to the mall just around the corner.
As I walked down one of the concourses towards American Eagle, Gamestop, Express and SPRINT, I saw a sight that took my breathe away.
I saw my ex, the ex, the one who did me wrong, who betrayed my dying heart, who left me wounded for many years, walking towards me...PUSHING A BABY CARRIAGE!
Apparently alot can happen in 3 years.
Every memory I tried to erase, came flooding back in my face like a wall of fire!
I instantly ran into game stop, watching as she moved along to god knows where.
Half of me, was shaken up by what I just saw.
The other half of me, got over it real quick and was glad that little beast on wheels wasn't mine, which it EASILY could have been(but wasn't). I'm better off now. I have a better woman: someone more classy, more beautiful, and not as ...well...skanky.
"I would be laughing if I were you." said a friend, Chris. "The kind of laugh like Nelson from Simpsons. Shes the one with a baby, not you. Trust me on this. You are better off.(Note: Chris has a kid from a evil ex).
So, after getting some clubber clothes, some pizza, booze I returned to base. Some pizza, some techno, I got ready to go and then the pre-gaming began:
Coke Red Mountain Dew + Vodka = AWESOME. Just 1 did the job.
From there, I drove to my old stomping ground, DBC in Capitola Beach.
WTF? Where was everyone?? It sucked!
This place used to be CRAZY by 8:30!
And where the hell was Chris? Or My friend Dustin?
Grrr. I decided to walk along the beach. It was a full moon, the ocean unually calm as I walked the coast line chugging my covert "Code Red Cocktail". I climbed a life guard tower and sat, looking out at the bay as the moon reflected off the calm waters.
It was there I began to think: Was I really better off? What was I doing? What was I doing here?? What did the future hold??? I then sent out via cell phone a status on my facebook: I WILL SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS THAN INSANITY.
To be continued...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
News Rant
So in my (ahem) temporary assignment at work I don't get to watch anything cool on TV most of the time BUT I DOOO get to listen to FOXNEWS all god damned night and with that it's time for another NEWS RANT!
#1: MORE NEW YORK MOSQUE NEWS
So now idiots are holding prayer meetings at the construction site of the planned Mosque in NYC despite the dangers that SOMETHING COULD FALL ON THEIR HEADS AND CRUSH THEIR SKULLS.
Ya know...it IS afterall a construction site. Not saying muslims are idiots, but if you are a idiot, that is it: faith doesn't play a part in that...
#2: PHOTOS RELEASED OF CALEY ANTHONY ON DAY OF HER DISSAPEARANCE
Aww how cute she's in the pink shirt they found next to the body....
Are they STILL talking about this? It's so old news.
I'm a Criminal Justice major and I don't even give a shit. Do you?
#4: JWOWW OF JERSEY SHORE REPORTEDLY IN TALKS WITH PLAYBOYS
I think I just threw up in my mouth. She's NASTY plastic fantastic. And taking a filtered photo of her naked and adding in some gloss and some airbrushing ain't gonna help.
In fact, who the hell reads playboy anymore? To me that was "training porn" when I was 9. You know, the porn you read and watch in preperation for the REALLY good stuff you see later in your years...
#5: THE SITUATION ON DANCING WITH THE STARS
Ok I confess: I have not seen a single episode, not even a mere 1 minute, of Jersey Shore. I never had to because I know what it entails.
However, I will say this, I wish I GOT PAID THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO JUST SHOW UP AT PARTIES. Yeesh.
#6: LINDSEY LOHAN FAILS DRUG TEST
Didn't we read this same story a few months ago, a few months before that, a few months befor that, AND AGAIN before that!?
Am I the only one not fucking surprised?
The solution is simple people: Lindsey Lohan fails drug tests, because thats what she does.
Paris Hilton: she gets off light on drug/DUI charges with money because THATS WHAT SHE DOES.
The Situation gets paid to act like a douche because THATS WHAT SHE DOES.
Who honestly cares??
IN LOCAL NEWS: MAYOR CANIDATE OF OAKLAND GETS ROBBED
Lady, I got something to tell ya: Welcome to Oakland.
AND FINALLY: MORE FEARS OVER GAS MAIN LINES IN SAN JOSE
Ok, enough already. If you are really concerned about the gas lines in the bay area you should head over to my place after my housemates and I go out for Chinese.
Til next time, Xander, out.
#1: MORE NEW YORK MOSQUE NEWS
So now idiots are holding prayer meetings at the construction site of the planned Mosque in NYC despite the dangers that SOMETHING COULD FALL ON THEIR HEADS AND CRUSH THEIR SKULLS.
Ya know...it IS afterall a construction site. Not saying muslims are idiots, but if you are a idiot, that is it: faith doesn't play a part in that...
#2: PHOTOS RELEASED OF CALEY ANTHONY ON DAY OF HER DISSAPEARANCE
Aww how cute she's in the pink shirt they found next to the body....
Are they STILL talking about this? It's so old news.
I'm a Criminal Justice major and I don't even give a shit. Do you?
#4: JWOWW OF JERSEY SHORE REPORTEDLY IN TALKS WITH PLAYBOYS
I think I just threw up in my mouth. She's NASTY plastic fantastic. And taking a filtered photo of her naked and adding in some gloss and some airbrushing ain't gonna help.
In fact, who the hell reads playboy anymore? To me that was "training porn" when I was 9. You know, the porn you read and watch in preperation for the REALLY good stuff you see later in your years...
#5: THE SITUATION ON DANCING WITH THE STARS
Ok I confess: I have not seen a single episode, not even a mere 1 minute, of Jersey Shore. I never had to because I know what it entails.
However, I will say this, I wish I GOT PAID THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO JUST SHOW UP AT PARTIES. Yeesh.
#6: LINDSEY LOHAN FAILS DRUG TEST
Didn't we read this same story a few months ago, a few months before that, a few months befor that, AND AGAIN before that!?
Am I the only one not fucking surprised?
The solution is simple people: Lindsey Lohan fails drug tests, because thats what she does.
Paris Hilton: she gets off light on drug/DUI charges with money because THATS WHAT SHE DOES.
The Situation gets paid to act like a douche because THATS WHAT SHE DOES.
Who honestly cares??
IN LOCAL NEWS: MAYOR CANIDATE OF OAKLAND GETS ROBBED
Lady, I got something to tell ya: Welcome to Oakland.
AND FINALLY: MORE FEARS OVER GAS MAIN LINES IN SAN JOSE
Ok, enough already. If you are really concerned about the gas lines in the bay area you should head over to my place after my housemates and I go out for Chinese.
Til next time, Xander, out.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Survey because I was bored
1. Celeb you most resemble: I get Adam Levine from Maroon5 frequently. He's 2 years older than me.
2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Black
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Hell yeah, she's my fiancee.
4.Do you plan outfits? Yes
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Tired
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? My co-workers bag of Dorritos.
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? A-I-M
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I dreamed my fiancee and her cousins were doing a lip sync to Spice Girls "Too Much". Wow...
9. Did you meet anybody new today? No
10. What are you craving right now? Sleep
11. Do you floss? I should..
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? patch?
13. When was the last time you talked on aim? Today
14. Are you emotional? Can be
15. Would you dance to the taco song? Whats the taco song?
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? I got better things to do with my time
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick it
18. Do you like your hair? Sometimes
19. Do you like yourself? Yes, I'm awesome
20. Have you ever met a celebrity? Chris Carter: Creator of the X-Files
21. Do you like cottage cheese? No
22. What are you listening to right now? maroon5
23. How many countries have you visited? 2
24. Are your parents strict? no
25. Would you go sky diving? Maybe
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yes so I can spit in his food
27. Would you throw potatoes at him? Nah. Too dynamic. I operate on a more covert level
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? No
29. Have you ever been in a castle? Yes...Castillo San Felipe en Rio Dulce, Guatemala...awesome!
30. Do you rent movies often? no
31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? My study group partner Claire.
32. Have you made a prank phone call? Yes
33. Do you own a gun? No but I want a H&K G36..no wait..Alexander Arms DMR in 6.5mm GRendel!
34. Can you count backwards from 74? No
35. Who are you going to be with tonight? My classmates
36. Brown or white eggs? White
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? Yes..2 Racoon City Police badges
38. Ever been on a train? Yes
39. Ever been in love? I'm in love now
40. Do you have a cell-phone? Yes
41. Are you too forgiving? No the direct opposite.
42. Do you use chap stick? No
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? Working
44. Can you use chop sticks? Yes
45. Ever have cream puffs? Yes
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yeah
47. What would be your super power: To go back in time and fix stuff
48. What was the last CD you bought? A techno CD
49. Boys or girls? Girls!
50. What is your bus number for school? Never rode the bus
51. Is your hair curly? no
52. Last time you cried? Dunno about cry but I got choked up in Toy Story 3
53. Ever walked into a wall? Yes
54. Do looks matter? Its like 50/50
55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? Yep
56. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes my friend Jason
57. Favorite time of the year? Summer
58. Favorite color? Blue
59. Are you sarcastic? Sometimes
60. Do you have any tattoos? No
61. The last person you held hands with? My fiancee
62. Do you sleep with the TV on?I can't. The noise gets on my nerves.
63. Where was your default picture taken at? My old house.
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Yes
65. Do you like your life right now? Could be better but yeah
66. How often do you talk on the phone? Alot
67. What is your favorite animal? So many choices....uh...Raccoons...Wolves...
68. What was the most recent thing you bought? A Monster
69. Do you have good vision? No I'm blind
70. Can you hula hoop? No
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? At cards sure
72. Do you have a job? Yes
73. Can you handle the truth? Yes
74. What are you wearing? Black slacks, black grey-striped shirt
75. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes
2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Black
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Hell yeah, she's my fiancee.
4.Do you plan outfits? Yes
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Tired
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? My co-workers bag of Dorritos.
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? A-I-M
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I dreamed my fiancee and her cousins were doing a lip sync to Spice Girls "Too Much". Wow...
9. Did you meet anybody new today? No
10. What are you craving right now? Sleep
11. Do you floss? I should..
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? patch?
13. When was the last time you talked on aim? Today
14. Are you emotional? Can be
15. Would you dance to the taco song? Whats the taco song?
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? I got better things to do with my time
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick it
18. Do you like your hair? Sometimes
19. Do you like yourself? Yes, I'm awesome
20. Have you ever met a celebrity? Chris Carter: Creator of the X-Files
21. Do you like cottage cheese? No
22. What are you listening to right now? maroon5
23. How many countries have you visited? 2
24. Are your parents strict? no
25. Would you go sky diving? Maybe
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yes so I can spit in his food
27. Would you throw potatoes at him? Nah. Too dynamic. I operate on a more covert level
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? No
29. Have you ever been in a castle? Yes...Castillo San Felipe en Rio Dulce, Guatemala...awesome!
30. Do you rent movies often? no
31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? My study group partner Claire.
32. Have you made a prank phone call? Yes
33. Do you own a gun? No but I want a H&K G36..no wait..Alexander Arms DMR in 6.5mm GRendel!
34. Can you count backwards from 74? No
35. Who are you going to be with tonight? My classmates
36. Brown or white eggs? White
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? Yes..2 Racoon City Police badges
38. Ever been on a train? Yes
39. Ever been in love? I'm in love now
40. Do you have a cell-phone? Yes
41. Are you too forgiving? No the direct opposite.
42. Do you use chap stick? No
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? Working
44. Can you use chop sticks? Yes
45. Ever have cream puffs? Yes
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yeah
47. What would be your super power: To go back in time and fix stuff
48. What was the last CD you bought? A techno CD
49. Boys or girls? Girls!
50. What is your bus number for school? Never rode the bus
51. Is your hair curly? no
52. Last time you cried? Dunno about cry but I got choked up in Toy Story 3
53. Ever walked into a wall? Yes
54. Do looks matter? Its like 50/50
55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? Yep
56. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes my friend Jason
57. Favorite time of the year? Summer
58. Favorite color? Blue
59. Are you sarcastic? Sometimes
60. Do you have any tattoos? No
61. The last person you held hands with? My fiancee
62. Do you sleep with the TV on?I can't. The noise gets on my nerves.
63. Where was your default picture taken at? My old house.
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Yes
65. Do you like your life right now? Could be better but yeah
66. How often do you talk on the phone? Alot
67. What is your favorite animal? So many choices....uh...Raccoons...Wolves...
68. What was the most recent thing you bought? A Monster
69. Do you have good vision? No I'm blind
70. Can you hula hoop? No
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? At cards sure
72. Do you have a job? Yes
73. Can you handle the truth? Yes
74. What are you wearing? Black slacks, black grey-striped shirt
75. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Cheerocracy
Read this: http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/mostpopular/news-article.aspx?storyid=167385&provider=top
Done?
Now read this: boo-fucking hoo.
Seriously: I don't give a shit.
Some girl got kicked off a squad cuz mom bitched about the cheer being too racy. Granted, I kinda agree with her.
What gets me is it got blown out of proportion and into a media circus, which has gone on for the past week!
The solution is simple, or at least to me.
"Hey kiddo guess what? I'm taking you out of cheer squad and putting you in Ninja Squad."
"But why daddy? I want to be a cheerleader."
"Well kiddo, they are going to grow up to be snobby whiney bitches. You don't want to be like them, and I'd be happier you weren't one anyway. Besides, this way, when you are older, you can kick their bitch asses, which is WAY MORE fun than Cheer. Right? YAY! NINJA SQUAD"
-------
I know I'm going to make a GREAT dad. LOL.
Done?
Now read this: boo-fucking hoo.
Seriously: I don't give a shit.
Some girl got kicked off a squad cuz mom bitched about the cheer being too racy. Granted, I kinda agree with her.
What gets me is it got blown out of proportion and into a media circus, which has gone on for the past week!
The solution is simple, or at least to me.
"Hey kiddo guess what? I'm taking you out of cheer squad and putting you in Ninja Squad."
"But why daddy? I want to be a cheerleader."
"Well kiddo, they are going to grow up to be snobby whiney bitches. You don't want to be like them, and I'd be happier you weren't one anyway. Besides, this way, when you are older, you can kick their bitch asses, which is WAY MORE fun than Cheer. Right? YAY! NINJA SQUAD"
-------
I know I'm going to make a GREAT dad. LOL.
This is what happens when I am totally bored at work
I write...dun dun: FICTION.
--------
UNKNOWN LOCATION
0213 HOURS
Xander stood in the command center by his work station, blue orbs fixated to the forward wall where four large television screens displayed various data: one a news feed, one a map of a complex, another a live sat feed of what looked to be a road map and another a digital road map. He was tired: he was running on three hours sleep, evident by his sunk in eyes, clenched teeth and the empty tall energy drink can on his desk.
"Ghost and Phantom to Bravo 1" said a baritone voice of the SATCOM System. "Do you copy?"
Xander put on his ear-bud headset onto his right ear, the mic near his lips. "Gotcha Ghost. Go ahead."
"Gearing up. They are out there tonight."
"Roger that. Whats your 20?"
"In the grove."
Xander sat at his terminal and reviewed the map in cross-reference to the sat feed. The show was about to go begin....
***
"Bravo 1 to Ghost. SITREP" said Xander, eyes fixated to the satfeed. It had been a while since Ghost Team checked in.
"Say wha?"
Xander blinked. "Situation report please."
"8 people in the target location. 6 males, 2 females. No bite on the decoy."
"You are on Recon?" Xander said, arching a brow. What the heck? This is supposed to be a strike.
"Negative. Waiting for someone to go for the bait. And then it's on. We are approximately 100 meters away from the targets."
"Got a extract on standby at the reccomended rally point?"
"10-4..."
Xander punched in a command algorythem and a few blips showed up on the sat feed. One signified the target location, the other ghost Teams position, and their primary evac and extraction route should something go wrong.
"Roger that..." Xander said. "I'm showing you 100 yards west at the evac point trail..."
"Affirm. Ghost out."
Xander clenched his teeth. He was slightly nervous. This was a test of their new SATCOM Logistics software. He had people out there, and he felt more helpless being so far away instead of out there in the field with them. Still, he was confident they would be ok for now, however he knew should it go wrong, people were relying on him to relay proper information so that they get home safe.
***
Time for the next check in.
"Bravo 1 to Ghost. " Xander said into his headset.
"Go for ghost" squawked the COM System.
"Got a update. Be advised if you are compromised your evac route is 126 yards...I hope you can run it if it goes to shit..." Xander said glaring. Ghost had been injured the other day with 2 cracked ribs yet INSISTED on carrying out his Op.
"I can make it out. Trust me."
Xander began scanning over the map, showing real-time 3D topographical imaging. "Copy that. If not I'm working on a secondary egress 284 degrees west north west but its 213 yards through a wooded area...I can't believe I'm running op logistics from across the nation...."
Ghost came back laughing over the COM Radio. "Thats the shit. Thats why you are the leader." Xander himself couldn't believe it.
***
TO BE CONTINUED...
--------
UNKNOWN LOCATION
0213 HOURS
Xander stood in the command center by his work station, blue orbs fixated to the forward wall where four large television screens displayed various data: one a news feed, one a map of a complex, another a live sat feed of what looked to be a road map and another a digital road map. He was tired: he was running on three hours sleep, evident by his sunk in eyes, clenched teeth and the empty tall energy drink can on his desk.
"Ghost and Phantom to Bravo 1" said a baritone voice of the SATCOM System. "Do you copy?"
Xander put on his ear-bud headset onto his right ear, the mic near his lips. "Gotcha Ghost. Go ahead."
"Gearing up. They are out there tonight."
"Roger that. Whats your 20?"
"In the grove."
Xander sat at his terminal and reviewed the map in cross-reference to the sat feed. The show was about to go begin....
***
"Bravo 1 to Ghost. SITREP" said Xander, eyes fixated to the satfeed. It had been a while since Ghost Team checked in.
"Say wha?"
Xander blinked. "Situation report please."
"8 people in the target location. 6 males, 2 females. No bite on the decoy."
"You are on Recon?" Xander said, arching a brow. What the heck? This is supposed to be a strike.
"Negative. Waiting for someone to go for the bait. And then it's on. We are approximately 100 meters away from the targets."
"Got a extract on standby at the reccomended rally point?"
"10-4..."
Xander punched in a command algorythem and a few blips showed up on the sat feed. One signified the target location, the other ghost Teams position, and their primary evac and extraction route should something go wrong.
"Roger that..." Xander said. "I'm showing you 100 yards west at the evac point trail..."
"Affirm. Ghost out."
Xander clenched his teeth. He was slightly nervous. This was a test of their new SATCOM Logistics software. He had people out there, and he felt more helpless being so far away instead of out there in the field with them. Still, he was confident they would be ok for now, however he knew should it go wrong, people were relying on him to relay proper information so that they get home safe.
***
Time for the next check in.
"Bravo 1 to Ghost. " Xander said into his headset.
"Go for ghost" squawked the COM System.
"Got a update. Be advised if you are compromised your evac route is 126 yards...I hope you can run it if it goes to shit..." Xander said glaring. Ghost had been injured the other day with 2 cracked ribs yet INSISTED on carrying out his Op.
"I can make it out. Trust me."
Xander began scanning over the map, showing real-time 3D topographical imaging. "Copy that. If not I'm working on a secondary egress 284 degrees west north west but its 213 yards through a wooded area...I can't believe I'm running op logistics from across the nation...."
Ghost came back laughing over the COM Radio. "Thats the shit. Thats why you are the leader." Xander himself couldn't believe it.
***
TO BE CONTINUED...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Back Home
Ok so it's been a week since I returned from Central America.
It went ok...I got to see Eve which was the important thing. On the other hand, it wasn't the action-packed party-fueled adventure I hoped it to be. I happened to fly home during the worst rain season in History!
Wanted to go to a water park resort: nope. Roads are closed.
Wanted to go chill in Jalapa: Nope. Road is closed.
Wanted to do this, wanted to do that.
For TWO weeks I nearly went insane. For those who know me best, if I get bored, thats a bad thing. I start doing things I normally would not do.
Anyway, now I'm home and at work I'm temporairly assigned to Grave yard shift. At least I get thursdays and fridays off.
PAR-TAY!
Thing is, I got school.
Gah.
BUT the cool thing is at work NOTHING EVER FREAKING HAPPENS and is way mellow so I can write more. BUT I'm sending a SOS: I need you the audience to keep ideas flowing on what you want me to write about.
Fiction? I can do it. Political Columns? Yup. Celeb Gossip? Sure. Oh, and tell your friends!
I like fans who I don't know. It keeps things....non biased.
::Cracks neck:: 7 hours and 29 minutes remaining..
It went ok...I got to see Eve which was the important thing. On the other hand, it wasn't the action-packed party-fueled adventure I hoped it to be. I happened to fly home during the worst rain season in History!
Wanted to go to a water park resort: nope. Roads are closed.
Wanted to go chill in Jalapa: Nope. Road is closed.
Wanted to do this, wanted to do that.
For TWO weeks I nearly went insane. For those who know me best, if I get bored, thats a bad thing. I start doing things I normally would not do.
Anyway, now I'm home and at work I'm temporairly assigned to Grave yard shift. At least I get thursdays and fridays off.
PAR-TAY!
Thing is, I got school.
Gah.
BUT the cool thing is at work NOTHING EVER FREAKING HAPPENS and is way mellow so I can write more. BUT I'm sending a SOS: I need you the audience to keep ideas flowing on what you want me to write about.
Fiction? I can do it. Political Columns? Yup. Celeb Gossip? Sure. Oh, and tell your friends!
I like fans who I don't know. It keeps things....non biased.
::Cracks neck:: 7 hours and 29 minutes remaining..
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Dear God NO John Mayer
http://www.metrolyrics.com/2010-singer-john-mayer-looking-to-date-heidi-montag-news.html
Ok, John Mayer, if you are reading this: Don't do it.
There are STANDARDS, bro.
Blonde, plastic and FUCKING STUPID are not qualifications for girlfriend material.
Dude, I'm serious. "Very conservative, old-fashioned girl from Colorado" my Scottish-mixed ASS!
Have any of you seen this broad on TV?
I have never watched the Hills in my entire life, but I know enough about her to tell you she's fucking annoying and stupid.
I myself, used to date STRICTLY BLONDES un the myth that they are stupid and thus they don't argue as much.
What they don't tell you is it gets REAL OLD REAL FAST and blondes tend to be stupid to the point of psychosis(i.e. my ex "Katie").
Heck, you blew it with Jenn Anniston. DUDE THE EPITOME OF COUGARS!
Reowrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr............
Heck go for...hmm who's single and hot in Hollywood....
Blake Livel...no she's blonde...well.....at least he's not going for any of those Jersey Shore bitches.
Don't worry John Mayer, we'll find you a chick. STAY TUNED!
WAIT! I GOT AN IDEA! Let's find John Mayer a latina! YEAH DUDE They'll rip him apart!
Ok, til next time,
Xander, out.
Ok, John Mayer, if you are reading this: Don't do it.
There are STANDARDS, bro.
Blonde, plastic and FUCKING STUPID are not qualifications for girlfriend material.
Dude, I'm serious. "Very conservative, old-fashioned girl from Colorado" my Scottish-mixed ASS!
Have any of you seen this broad on TV?
I have never watched the Hills in my entire life, but I know enough about her to tell you she's fucking annoying and stupid.
I myself, used to date STRICTLY BLONDES un the myth that they are stupid and thus they don't argue as much.
What they don't tell you is it gets REAL OLD REAL FAST and blondes tend to be stupid to the point of psychosis(i.e. my ex "Katie").
Heck, you blew it with Jenn Anniston. DUDE THE EPITOME OF COUGARS!
Reowrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr............
Heck go for...hmm who's single and hot in Hollywood....
Blake Livel...no she's blonde...well.....at least he's not going for any of those Jersey Shore bitches.
Don't worry John Mayer, we'll find you a chick. STAY TUNED!
WAIT! I GOT AN IDEA! Let's find John Mayer a latina! YEAH DUDE They'll rip him apart!
Ok, til next time,
Xander, out.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
HyPeRaCtIvE
Some updates:
Once again, moved. Loving it.
Mom's leaving the hospital...
I recently "Ghost Wrote" for a "CustomersSuck.com" forum using a alias.
BUT a friend recently inspired me to write about something few people know about, a tainted aspect of my childhood that took place just before my 13th birthday....
HYPERACTIVE by Xander
So, neurogical disorders and learning "difficulties" runs rampant in my bloodline. My sister is arguably bipolar, my brother had(has?) learning difficulties, My dad is a sociopath, and my mom suffers from Depression?
Then there is me: Hi. I'm Xander, I'm 29 years old and when I was a kid I was Diagnosed with a fairly new not-known-nor-recognized concept: I had Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.
Explains alot huh? Up until Age 15 even I had seen endless counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and had taken more ritalin and cylert and Zoloft to start my own street pharmacy(or heck, a drug cartel).
Flashforward to Age 12: I was, after many years in private schools, sent back to Public School.
I thought it would be cool but, I was in for a shock. I had zero friends,was very shy, and I was not used to the fast-paced kill-or-be-killed world that was 7th grade in a city public school filled with rich snobby kids.
Towards the end, my parents recognized my slipping grades, dark demeanor, and quest for isolation. The school psychologist and counselors had told my parents they had cause for concern, and before I know it, courtesy of my at-the-time-psychiatrist "Dr. Pete" sent to a outpatient program at Presbyterian Hospital.
At first, they made it sound cool. He pitched it like a car salesman: I would be out of my classes, but I would be viewed as "present" in school attendance, and my grades too. It was small, with kids just like me, with group counseling and confidence training(we did some trust falls,etc), and, like any other school, I was one by 3 in the afternoon.
But as summer began, the other kids began to be "discharged": going to camps,etc.
Dr. Donald on the other hand, even though I felt normal again, decided to keep me. But where the heck would they put me? I was the only one in the "Outpatient" aspect of the program?
To the "INPATIENT" Unit, thats where AKA A CHILDRENS PSYCHE WARD!
This place had some kids with REAL ISSUES. What sucked was, because I was 12, I couldn't associate with the "Ads": Adolecents: age 13 and up. The "Pre ads" were nowhere near my age: a 5 year old and a 8 year old. Welcome to Hell.
Naturally I picked up on the differences: I was looked upon with more scrutiny: it was rare for a outpatient to have contact with the inpatients. The rules were stricter: i got 15 minutes "time out" and a 1-on-1 counseling session with the on site counselor for giving another patient a "high five"(No joke).
I began to rebel. I constantly complained to Dr. Donald and my mom: Get me out of here. I'm not LIKE them. These kids are FUCKED(ok so I didn't say THAT exactly but you know what I mean).
Mom, did hear me out: I was schedualed for discharge after weeks of extensive evaluation.
Then came my 13th birthday. It was lunch time, and rather than order(or settle) for their shitty ass hospital food, I said "Don't worry about it I'll eat when I get home."
"Why are you not eating?"
"Because this food is horrible."
"Eat. Now."
"Dude, don't sweat it. I'll EAT later"
"No. You will eat now."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
Now, for those of you that are or have teenagers, this no longer cuts it. I needed justification, which, they were not cutting.
"Why can't I just eat later and you leave me alone?"
"Because I said so" said the Therapist. "Why are you giving attitude?"
"Because I said so..." I said defiantly, grabbing a Mountain Dew out of my backpack and popping the top. He took it from me("HEY!") and tossed it in the trash. "I'll order for you..."
and then he proceeded tog et from the cafeteria what was labeled "Shrimp" that was gross, and cold.
I , became pissed off.
End result? Dr. Pete RECCOMENDED TO MY MOM TO SCRAP MY DISCHARGE!
13 year olds usually go to camp in summer. Not me, I was STUCK IN A MENTAL WARD.
And now that I was 13, I was stuck with the other teenagers who were much older and had some serious EVEN WORSE problems: one was in and out due to repeated suicide attempts, another blonde chick(age: 17) had run ins with the law and drugs. Now being a pre-ad was starting to not seem so bad....
Finally, I was being discharged at beginning of August because we were moving to California, and the rest, is history.
Now that I am getting ready to be married and have my own family, I wills ay this: I love my mom, but there are some things that are hard to forgive.
If you think your child may have Learning disorders, get them checked out. And if your child is angry, upset, or disagrees, don't be afraid to hear them out, because BELIEVE ME it beats having your son or daughter spend their summer in a mental house.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
PS: I'm never having my kid put on ANY medication unless THEY ABSOLUTELY NEED IT: ritalin SUCKED!
Once again, moved. Loving it.
Mom's leaving the hospital...
I recently "Ghost Wrote" for a "CustomersSuck.com" forum using a alias.
BUT a friend recently inspired me to write about something few people know about, a tainted aspect of my childhood that took place just before my 13th birthday....
HYPERACTIVE by Xander
So, neurogical disorders and learning "difficulties" runs rampant in my bloodline. My sister is arguably bipolar, my brother had(has?) learning difficulties, My dad is a sociopath, and my mom suffers from Depression?
Then there is me: Hi. I'm Xander, I'm 29 years old and when I was a kid I was Diagnosed with a fairly new not-known-nor-recognized concept: I had Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.
Explains alot huh? Up until Age 15 even I had seen endless counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and had taken more ritalin and cylert and Zoloft to start my own street pharmacy(or heck, a drug cartel).
Flashforward to Age 12: I was, after many years in private schools, sent back to Public School.
I thought it would be cool but, I was in for a shock. I had zero friends,was very shy, and I was not used to the fast-paced kill-or-be-killed world that was 7th grade in a city public school filled with rich snobby kids.
Towards the end, my parents recognized my slipping grades, dark demeanor, and quest for isolation. The school psychologist and counselors had told my parents they had cause for concern, and before I know it, courtesy of my at-the-time-psychiatrist "Dr. Pete" sent to a outpatient program at Presbyterian Hospital.
At first, they made it sound cool. He pitched it like a car salesman: I would be out of my classes, but I would be viewed as "present" in school attendance, and my grades too. It was small, with kids just like me, with group counseling and confidence training(we did some trust falls,etc), and, like any other school, I was one by 3 in the afternoon.
But as summer began, the other kids began to be "discharged": going to camps,etc.
Dr. Donald on the other hand, even though I felt normal again, decided to keep me. But where the heck would they put me? I was the only one in the "Outpatient" aspect of the program?
To the "INPATIENT" Unit, thats where AKA A CHILDRENS PSYCHE WARD!
This place had some kids with REAL ISSUES. What sucked was, because I was 12, I couldn't associate with the "Ads": Adolecents: age 13 and up. The "Pre ads" were nowhere near my age: a 5 year old and a 8 year old. Welcome to Hell.
Naturally I picked up on the differences: I was looked upon with more scrutiny: it was rare for a outpatient to have contact with the inpatients. The rules were stricter: i got 15 minutes "time out" and a 1-on-1 counseling session with the on site counselor for giving another patient a "high five"(No joke).
I began to rebel. I constantly complained to Dr. Donald and my mom: Get me out of here. I'm not LIKE them. These kids are FUCKED(ok so I didn't say THAT exactly but you know what I mean).
Mom, did hear me out: I was schedualed for discharge after weeks of extensive evaluation.
Then came my 13th birthday. It was lunch time, and rather than order(or settle) for their shitty ass hospital food, I said "Don't worry about it I'll eat when I get home."
"Why are you not eating?"
"Because this food is horrible."
"Eat. Now."
"Dude, don't sweat it. I'll EAT later"
"No. You will eat now."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
Now, for those of you that are or have teenagers, this no longer cuts it. I needed justification, which, they were not cutting.
"Why can't I just eat later and you leave me alone?"
"Because I said so" said the Therapist. "Why are you giving attitude?"
"Because I said so..." I said defiantly, grabbing a Mountain Dew out of my backpack and popping the top. He took it from me("HEY!") and tossed it in the trash. "I'll order for you..."
and then he proceeded tog et from the cafeteria what was labeled "Shrimp" that was gross, and cold.
I , became pissed off.
End result? Dr. Pete RECCOMENDED TO MY MOM TO SCRAP MY DISCHARGE!
13 year olds usually go to camp in summer. Not me, I was STUCK IN A MENTAL WARD.
And now that I was 13, I was stuck with the other teenagers who were much older and had some serious EVEN WORSE problems: one was in and out due to repeated suicide attempts, another blonde chick(age: 17) had run ins with the law and drugs. Now being a pre-ad was starting to not seem so bad....
Finally, I was being discharged at beginning of August because we were moving to California, and the rest, is history.
Now that I am getting ready to be married and have my own family, I wills ay this: I love my mom, but there are some things that are hard to forgive.
If you think your child may have Learning disorders, get them checked out. And if your child is angry, upset, or disagrees, don't be afraid to hear them out, because BELIEVE ME it beats having your son or daughter spend their summer in a mental house.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
PS: I'm never having my kid put on ANY medication unless THEY ABSOLUTELY NEED IT: ritalin SUCKED!
Friday, August 6, 2010
I'm baaaack
So, I have been gone a while while the site was being maintained.
I say this, because here in the happiest loser blog, I tend to be not nice and I am completely unscensored in my thoughts(names may be changed) Piss me off? Chances are you will end up here. If something crazy happens, I'll write it. If you (the reader) want me to write something, I'll try and work it in. This is afterall, 50% reader driven.
So, in a far away land, a friend began telling EVERYONE about my Alter Ego as the happiest loser, and the stuff that I write(which can sometimes be offensive). Well, the wrong person found out about it, and for security measures I had to lock it down.
But, I'm back and some interesting updates have occured:
1. Though, I made a promise NOT to write about my family and the stuff regarding them, I have moved out.
2. Most importantly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM -gleee- :-)
Thats it for now. I'll try and write more. Questions, Comments, Ideas, Blog ideas, Shot outs? Pitch them to me :-)
I say this, because here in the happiest loser blog, I tend to be not nice and I am completely unscensored in my thoughts(names may be changed) Piss me off? Chances are you will end up here. If something crazy happens, I'll write it. If you (the reader) want me to write something, I'll try and work it in. This is afterall, 50% reader driven.
So, in a far away land, a friend began telling EVERYONE about my Alter Ego as the happiest loser, and the stuff that I write(which can sometimes be offensive). Well, the wrong person found out about it, and for security measures I had to lock it down.
But, I'm back and some interesting updates have occured:
1. Though, I made a promise NOT to write about my family and the stuff regarding them, I have moved out.
2. Most importantly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM -gleee- :-)
Thats it for now. I'll try and write more. Questions, Comments, Ideas, Blog ideas, Shot outs? Pitch them to me :-)
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Some Updates
So I have alot to write about. People keep pitching me ideas, or inspiring me ;-).
So, for now, I'll just throw some stuff out:
1. Anna Chapman, the "Femme Fatale" who pleaded guilty to Espionage on behalf of Russia, never emailed me back on facebook. The femme fatale, along with her fellow spies, pleaded guilty and are now part of a SPY SWAP dating back to the Cold War. Grand huh?
2. 4th of July was friggin' insanity, and it is a post in it's own right. Stay tuned!
3. Holy shit. Oakland is about to go up in smoke! This stems from Mehserle being found guilty of INVOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER and faces a MAXIMUM OF ONLY FOUR FLIPPIN' YEARS.
4. Remember the girl from Operation Nicaraugua? The one who got pissed at me for calling her on her BS and now has people out there who want to beat me up? Well, prior to her and I getting into a argument, I sent her a friend request on facebook. For reasons unknown, the other day she ACCEPTED my friend request. I sent her a email saying "You do know who I am, right?" No response.
5. A friend("RINO!") sent me a site that is filled with DEFLOWERING VIDEOS. If you don't know what that means, well then I'll tell you: it is one of the most gross acts I've ever seen and I am THANKFUL I have never taken a girls virginity. YEESH!
Til next time,
Xander,
Out.
So, for now, I'll just throw some stuff out:
1. Anna Chapman, the "Femme Fatale" who pleaded guilty to Espionage on behalf of Russia, never emailed me back on facebook. The femme fatale, along with her fellow spies, pleaded guilty and are now part of a SPY SWAP dating back to the Cold War. Grand huh?
2. 4th of July was friggin' insanity, and it is a post in it's own right. Stay tuned!
3. Holy shit. Oakland is about to go up in smoke! This stems from Mehserle being found guilty of INVOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER and faces a MAXIMUM OF ONLY FOUR FLIPPIN' YEARS.
4. Remember the girl from Operation Nicaraugua? The one who got pissed at me for calling her on her BS and now has people out there who want to beat me up? Well, prior to her and I getting into a argument, I sent her a friend request on facebook. For reasons unknown, the other day she ACCEPTED my friend request. I sent her a email saying "You do know who I am, right?" No response.
5. A friend("RINO!") sent me a site that is filled with DEFLOWERING VIDEOS. If you don't know what that means, well then I'll tell you: it is one of the most gross acts I've ever seen and I am THANKFUL I have never taken a girls virginity. YEESH!
Til next time,
Xander,
Out.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Peter, Jason, this one is for you.
So one day I was at my god family's house because they were out of town for the weekend. It was me, Justin, Mark, Peter and our friend Jason. A total "bro" weekend, filled with alcohol, beer, liquor, and alot of masturbation jokes. ANYWAY...
Justin and Jason one point got in a argument over something I can't remember but it was stupid.
Now, quick background: Justin is a big dude, and Jason is big too.
Justin is too stubborn to know he's instigating Jason and Justin is too stupid to know he's falling into Justin's bullshit LOL.
So, seeing this, and being the crazy one I am, I decided to intervene, with drastic measures.
You can probably see where this is going, if not, it's simple:
I get inbetween them, BITCH SLAP Jason across the face and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Everyone froze. Did he....?Did Xander...?...Just do...?
Yes.
Yes I did.
And after everyone was getting through the shock and awe of what just happened, Jason threw his fist forward into my ribs, and being 5'10 1/2 and skinny, I went flying THROUGH A DOOR(it was open, but cracked), still airborne, hit the ground, slid and halted. The next thing I knew, Jason was standing over me getting ready to punch my lights out and then Jason was pulled off by a laughing Mark, Peter and Jason. "Whoa dude ! EASY! COOL IT!"
I immedietly went into laughter. HYSTERICAL laughter. I was about to cry. "HOLY SHIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT HAHAHAHAHA WAS FUCKING HAHAHAHA AWESOME"
As I laughed I could by now they were all surrounding me, staring down at me as I rolled laughing on the floor.
"is he ok?"
"I dunno..."
"well, I dunno, he seems ok. Look at 'em. He's just laughing his ass off."
Dude, it was something straight out of a cartoon or movie or JACKASS. It was CLASSIC! It would of been great youtube.
Til next time, Xander out.
Justin and Jason one point got in a argument over something I can't remember but it was stupid.
Now, quick background: Justin is a big dude, and Jason is big too.
Justin is too stubborn to know he's instigating Jason and Justin is too stupid to know he's falling into Justin's bullshit LOL.
So, seeing this, and being the crazy one I am, I decided to intervene, with drastic measures.
You can probably see where this is going, if not, it's simple:
I get inbetween them, BITCH SLAP Jason across the face and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Everyone froze. Did he....?Did Xander...?...Just do...?
Yes.
Yes I did.
And after everyone was getting through the shock and awe of what just happened, Jason threw his fist forward into my ribs, and being 5'10 1/2 and skinny, I went flying THROUGH A DOOR(it was open, but cracked), still airborne, hit the ground, slid and halted. The next thing I knew, Jason was standing over me getting ready to punch my lights out and then Jason was pulled off by a laughing Mark, Peter and Jason. "Whoa dude ! EASY! COOL IT!"
I immedietly went into laughter. HYSTERICAL laughter. I was about to cry. "HOLY SHIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT HAHAHAHAHA WAS FUCKING HAHAHAHA AWESOME"
As I laughed I could by now they were all surrounding me, staring down at me as I rolled laughing on the floor.
"is he ok?"
"I dunno..."
"well, I dunno, he seems ok. Look at 'em. He's just laughing his ass off."
Dude, it was something straight out of a cartoon or movie or JACKASS. It was CLASSIC! It would of been great youtube.
Til next time, Xander out.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Double Oh No
Sorry for the absence, I've been on vacation. Happy birthday to my brother!
-------
Ok, so today, I read this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_doj_russia_arrests.
Done?
Ok. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?
That Femme Fatale chick is facing a sentence of ONLY FIVE FLIPPING YEARS?
You know what that means right?
No?
Observe!
She has facebook right?
Well, I sent her this litle gem via facebook....
"Dear Anna AKA Anya,
You better pray to god a 5 year sentence is the least of your worries. Back before WWII, we used to execute people like you on a regular basis dating back to the Revolutionary War. May god(and our Anti Terrorist Courts) have mercy on you."
I know, I'm mean.
But, I wouldn't be here if I was nice.
and like I said, her good looks and deceptive ways will only go so far....
Til next time,
Xander out.
-------
Ok, so today, I read this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_doj_russia_arrests.
Done?
Ok. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?
That Femme Fatale chick is facing a sentence of ONLY FIVE FLIPPING YEARS?
You know what that means right?
No?
Observe!
She has facebook right?
Well, I sent her this litle gem via facebook....
"Dear Anna AKA Anya,
You better pray to god a 5 year sentence is the least of your worries. Back before WWII, we used to execute people like you on a regular basis dating back to the Revolutionary War. May god(and our Anti Terrorist Courts) have mercy on you."
I know, I'm mean.
But, I wouldn't be here if I was nice.
and like I said, her good looks and deceptive ways will only go so far....
Til next time,
Xander out.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Adventures of El Gymnasio
So I've been going to this locally-owned gym.
And it's been quite the adventure in itself.
For starters, I go in the mornings mostly around 10-11:30ish. This some stuff I just observed that y'all might find funny.
#1: THE OLD GUY FARTED
So I was in one of the rooms working out my triceps when this old skinny dude walked in. It was just us. Well, he sat down at the chest press machine nearby and began his work out.
I didn't think anything of it til he got up and walked past me and I was then hit square in the face with the most PUTRID ODOR EVER!
It was like....Baby Dysentery combined with Old Rotting Flesh. I stopped mid workout and looked at the guy like I was going to die.
Then he turned, saw my facial expression, and shot me a look like "It wasn't me, it was you!"
Omigod. It was disgusting! I wanted to throw up, but for some reason did not. I'm not kidding or exagerating: this guy farted!
#2: THEY CAME FROM THE MENS LOCKER ROOM
Right now, the Men's Locker Room is disgusting. I'm not even going to try and describe what it smells like.
But even worse, is a problem that plagues me that is even worse: Naked people.
Seriously, I don't want to die into detail, but guys, there is something called a Towel. Learn it, use it. I DO NOT want to see your naked ass under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I don't care if you are a old, skinny, fat, or cut like David Beckham, have some common decency.
No joke, I see these guys prancing around as naked as the day they were born. Jeez!
Do these fuckers think they are impressing anyone?
Well they aren't impressing me, BHLEH.
Til next time,
a very disturbed Xander, out.
And it's been quite the adventure in itself.
For starters, I go in the mornings mostly around 10-11:30ish. This some stuff I just observed that y'all might find funny.
#1: THE OLD GUY FARTED
So I was in one of the rooms working out my triceps when this old skinny dude walked in. It was just us. Well, he sat down at the chest press machine nearby and began his work out.
I didn't think anything of it til he got up and walked past me and I was then hit square in the face with the most PUTRID ODOR EVER!
It was like....Baby Dysentery combined with Old Rotting Flesh. I stopped mid workout and looked at the guy like I was going to die.
Then he turned, saw my facial expression, and shot me a look like "It wasn't me, it was you!"
Omigod. It was disgusting! I wanted to throw up, but for some reason did not. I'm not kidding or exagerating: this guy farted!
#2: THEY CAME FROM THE MENS LOCKER ROOM
Right now, the Men's Locker Room is disgusting. I'm not even going to try and describe what it smells like.
But even worse, is a problem that plagues me that is even worse: Naked people.
Seriously, I don't want to die into detail, but guys, there is something called a Towel. Learn it, use it. I DO NOT want to see your naked ass under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I don't care if you are a old, skinny, fat, or cut like David Beckham, have some common decency.
No joke, I see these guys prancing around as naked as the day they were born. Jeez!
Do these fuckers think they are impressing anyone?
Well they aren't impressing me, BHLEH.
Til next time,
a very disturbed Xander, out.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
OPERATION: LDS
As a writer/wannabe-screen-writer/wannabe-film-maker/wannabe-journalist/secret agent, I have always wanted to infiltrate some sort of wayward faction here in the US of A. Sign up, join their ranks, hang out, learn what makes them tick, then write something about it for the masses.
This one dude, Kevin Roose, infilrated Liberty University: the nation's most strict christian college, and wrote about it(It's called "the unlikely disciple" and it's friggin' awesome!).
Me on the other hand, I have more...bold tastes.
Years ago I plotted to infiltrate a local scientology church, but then multiple people warned me of the dangers involved(now I pretty much ignore those warning LOL).
Then I wanted to infiltrate a local S&M group that met at the Denny's every tuesday night. You'd be amazed at who are actually involved in this shit: local bussinessmen, judges, politicians, and other people you'd least suspect, even Father O'Malley!(J/K).
But recently, inspired by a Middle Eastern Comedian(Aron Kader of Axis of Evil), yesterday while bored at work I decided to research what it would take to infiltrate the Mormon Church and become a missionary.
After reading the requirements, I came to a few conclusions, being the Rogue Christian-Remix that I am:
1. Fuck that shit.
2. I REFUSE to bunkmate with some weirdo guy for 2 years
3. I refuse not to touch a woman affectionately for 2 years: I'm engaged people!
4. I'm way too old. I'm 29 in 8 days. The average age for starting missionary training is 18!
Still I think it'd be funny, considering I find it hard to believe that you can read just ONE BOOK and "get it".
Til next time, Xander, out.
This one dude, Kevin Roose, infilrated Liberty University: the nation's most strict christian college, and wrote about it(It's called "the unlikely disciple" and it's friggin' awesome!).
Me on the other hand, I have more...bold tastes.
Years ago I plotted to infiltrate a local scientology church, but then multiple people warned me of the dangers involved(now I pretty much ignore those warning LOL).
Then I wanted to infiltrate a local S&M group that met at the Denny's every tuesday night. You'd be amazed at who are actually involved in this shit: local bussinessmen, judges, politicians, and other people you'd least suspect, even Father O'Malley!(J/K).
But recently, inspired by a Middle Eastern Comedian(Aron Kader of Axis of Evil), yesterday while bored at work I decided to research what it would take to infiltrate the Mormon Church and become a missionary.
After reading the requirements, I came to a few conclusions, being the Rogue Christian-Remix that I am:
1. Fuck that shit.
2. I REFUSE to bunkmate with some weirdo guy for 2 years
3. I refuse not to touch a woman affectionately for 2 years: I'm engaged people!
4. I'm way too old. I'm 29 in 8 days. The average age for starting missionary training is 18!
Still I think it'd be funny, considering I find it hard to believe that you can read just ONE BOOK and "get it".
Til next time, Xander, out.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
XANDER AKNOWLEDGES POLITICAL HUMOR
I didn't make this, I saw it on a website, but I found it so funny, I decided to post it. Courtesy of Meaningless Comics:
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Monday, June 14, 2010
HILARIOUS
As a writer(and soon to be Film Maker if it all goes right) I not only feel it is my duty to put my own stuff out there to be enjoyed by a audience, but the work of others too. Without further adeau...This is from the Ronnie James show in Australia. Australian TV RULES!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
BT IN CONCERT!
Ok, I know I've been boring lately. For that, I apologize. BUT, every storm, has a calm before it hits, and that is what happened with me. And that storm, is BT, performing at the Shoreline this past Sunday.
BT, is my favorite DJ, who I learned about through my sister when I was ...19. A DJ, a Producer, a musician, and even a composer for movie scores, this guy is PHENOMENAL. Now, for some reason unknown to me, this guy rarely comes to my area. In the few times in the past 10 years he's come, nobody would go with me, and my sister would always flake out(Thanks Sis -.-)
Well, recently she shot me a email that he was coming, and right then and there, I bought my ticket, VIP online. It was on my bucket list to see him, and I was going, whether I was alone or not. Intel said he would be performing at 2:00 PM so I got up bright, early, and made the trip.
I stopped at a store, downed a red bull, scarfed some reeses and continued to journey since I knew food and water would be INSANELY OVERPRICED.
Well, parking was a breeze, I parked really close. I made my way into the VIP line , got in and was told the following: There is no backstage, and BT won't be performing, as per the flier, til 8:00 PM!
So, with my battery power low I decided to make the best of it. I watched some DJs performed, was front row, danced, got crazy, had a ball. Every 1 hour set or two I would refill up on water(It was 100 degrees that day), use facilities, down a iced lemonade or two.
At one point, I returned back to the Techno area to hear and see on stage 2 fat asian ladies in their 40s and some ugly black chick rapping/screaming at each-other. It was hilarious!
"What the hell is this...who the hell are they?" I asked as I watched from the rear of the crowd. They were rapping about something about how they are "mean bitches".
Hey, no need to tell me twice. I'll take your word for it, ladies! It was so horrible, it was funny. Seriously, I rank these ladies a notch below Lil Wayne, and to me, that guy (now anyway) is one of the worst rappers out there!
Then let's see....Dyloot spun..I've seen him a few times at Love parade and TechnoPop and he's pretty good. Then things got REALLY crazy when this DJ trio called "Toxic Avenger" began their set. One did all the work, the other two jumped around and got the crowd psyched. That's when the crowd surfing, moshing(in a techno concert, yes), began. It's also when I began to get crushed, squeezed, stomped, yanked on, and touched on every inch of my body by sweaty ass teenie boppers of both genders: yes, very disturbing.
Then, this guy named Dan Black performed, some kind of Pop Artist. "Who's that guy?" I asked some chick next to me in front row. "Dan Black and he's awesome!" she said.
Hmm.
Ok after watching him perform, let me save you the trouble of Wikipedia. Imagine Adam Levine from Maroon5. Imagine him having a British younger or older brother, who is arguably 50% bi sexual, on LSD (or some other happy drug) and you can't understand a damn thing he says. That's Dan Black for you. He also took the liberty of saying "Whats up San Francisco...I mean, oops. What's up Bay Area!" and then instead of saying "Thank you" at the end of his set, he said "Fuck you".
Wow.
Yeah, I know. I said the same thing.
So then finally, I made my preparations. I was going to be front row, for BT. End of story! No force other than God was going to stop me. I got up front early and man did things get packed. Really packed. And then he began!
It was a awesome show, and my Blackhawk 2-day Assault Pack came in handy in keeping people from crushing up against me from behind("I hope that's a girl who just grabbed my ass!"). One thing is, this er...Black Dude kept grabbing the Rescue Strap of my backpack and choking me. Or, he'd rest his arm on my shoulder. I was starting to get really pissed at him.
Then, I accidentally elbowed some chick in the chest. I heard someone just over my shoulder yell "XANDER" and I turned yelling "WHAT" at the top my lungs and BAM! Right into the left chest of some blonde. On the slim chance she's reading this: to the curvy blonde in the blue-white plad bikini top who I elbowed: SORRY!
I was able to video tape a mere 10-seconds of footage while he performed before security reached over the barrier and signaled to me I could not video tape. Fuck 'em!
And afterwards, I left and got into my car...only to discover I was now somewhat deaf with a ringing that is STILL in my ears. It's like a faint whine in my left, and I was told it'll go away in a few days...my hearings a bit off but I can tell it's getting better. It is ALOT better than it was: when I first got into my car my voice sounded like a Oompa Loompa on crack!
I have some photos, which I will post soon with some video. Stay tuned!
Until then,
Xander, out.
BT, is my favorite DJ, who I learned about through my sister when I was ...19. A DJ, a Producer, a musician, and even a composer for movie scores, this guy is PHENOMENAL. Now, for some reason unknown to me, this guy rarely comes to my area. In the few times in the past 10 years he's come, nobody would go with me, and my sister would always flake out(Thanks Sis -.-)
Well, recently she shot me a email that he was coming, and right then and there, I bought my ticket, VIP online. It was on my bucket list to see him, and I was going, whether I was alone or not. Intel said he would be performing at 2:00 PM so I got up bright, early, and made the trip.
I stopped at a store, downed a red bull, scarfed some reeses and continued to journey since I knew food and water would be INSANELY OVERPRICED.
Well, parking was a breeze, I parked really close. I made my way into the VIP line , got in and was told the following: There is no backstage, and BT won't be performing, as per the flier, til 8:00 PM!
So, with my battery power low I decided to make the best of it. I watched some DJs performed, was front row, danced, got crazy, had a ball. Every 1 hour set or two I would refill up on water(It was 100 degrees that day), use facilities, down a iced lemonade or two.
At one point, I returned back to the Techno area to hear and see on stage 2 fat asian ladies in their 40s and some ugly black chick rapping/screaming at each-other. It was hilarious!
"What the hell is this...who the hell are they?" I asked as I watched from the rear of the crowd. They were rapping about something about how they are "mean bitches".
Hey, no need to tell me twice. I'll take your word for it, ladies! It was so horrible, it was funny. Seriously, I rank these ladies a notch below Lil Wayne, and to me, that guy (now anyway) is one of the worst rappers out there!
Then let's see....Dyloot spun..I've seen him a few times at Love parade and TechnoPop and he's pretty good. Then things got REALLY crazy when this DJ trio called "Toxic Avenger" began their set. One did all the work, the other two jumped around and got the crowd psyched. That's when the crowd surfing, moshing(in a techno concert, yes), began. It's also when I began to get crushed, squeezed, stomped, yanked on, and touched on every inch of my body by sweaty ass teenie boppers of both genders: yes, very disturbing.
Then, this guy named Dan Black performed, some kind of Pop Artist. "Who's that guy?" I asked some chick next to me in front row. "Dan Black and he's awesome!" she said.
Hmm.
Ok after watching him perform, let me save you the trouble of Wikipedia. Imagine Adam Levine from Maroon5. Imagine him having a British younger or older brother, who is arguably 50% bi sexual, on LSD (or some other happy drug) and you can't understand a damn thing he says. That's Dan Black for you. He also took the liberty of saying "Whats up San Francisco...I mean, oops. What's up Bay Area!" and then instead of saying "Thank you" at the end of his set, he said "Fuck you".
Wow.
Yeah, I know. I said the same thing.
So then finally, I made my preparations. I was going to be front row, for BT. End of story! No force other than God was going to stop me. I got up front early and man did things get packed. Really packed. And then he began!
It was a awesome show, and my Blackhawk 2-day Assault Pack came in handy in keeping people from crushing up against me from behind("I hope that's a girl who just grabbed my ass!"). One thing is, this er...Black Dude kept grabbing the Rescue Strap of my backpack and choking me. Or, he'd rest his arm on my shoulder. I was starting to get really pissed at him.
Then, I accidentally elbowed some chick in the chest. I heard someone just over my shoulder yell "XANDER" and I turned yelling "WHAT" at the top my lungs and BAM! Right into the left chest of some blonde. On the slim chance she's reading this: to the curvy blonde in the blue-white plad bikini top who I elbowed: SORRY!
I was able to video tape a mere 10-seconds of footage while he performed before security reached over the barrier and signaled to me I could not video tape. Fuck 'em!
And afterwards, I left and got into my car...only to discover I was now somewhat deaf with a ringing that is STILL in my ears. It's like a faint whine in my left, and I was told it'll go away in a few days...my hearings a bit off but I can tell it's getting better. It is ALOT better than it was: when I first got into my car my voice sounded like a Oompa Loompa on crack!
I have some photos, which I will post soon with some video. Stay tuned!
Until then,
Xander, out.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Politicly Incorrect
So in my job, unless there is something going down there isn't too much to do except lose your mind or watch one of the two-big-screen news feeds such as CNN or FOXNEWS. It's just part of my job, and as part of my studies, to keep up to speed on our country and it's current events in contrast to the rest of the world.
And because of this, it is now, I give you my...DUN DUN DUN...opinion on how I think our country needs fixing. So strap on your seatbelts, here we go!
1. Our country is way too user friendly. Think about it...
Now that you are "tuned in"...
2. Get rid of "No Child Left Behind". Good intentions, yes, but now you are taking away our children's summers, and time that should be spent "playing." I mean, heck, when I was a kid, you'd have to be FRIGGIN' RETARDED to fail Kindergarten. Now? It's not too uncommon....When I was a kid, we played outside, until the streetlights came on. That was the universal: time to come in. In summer, this was replaced by "until the sun goes down." Learn it, use it.
3. Immigration: Yes, it is a nessecary evil. We DO need to protect our borders. Yes, you CAN stay here, as long as you do it LEGALLY. I should know...
4. If I had it my way, Child-Sex-Crime-Offenders, on the 2nd count, as long as it is physical, after 3 months post conviction by a JURY OF YOUR PEERS or GRAND JURY, get a bullet to the head. Period. Those whiny critics citing "cruel and unusual punishment" can go tell it to the parents of/and those victimized by Sex Offenders. I'm getting sick of hearing about crimes where investigation revealed the suspect had a prior history.
5. Nancy Grace needs to shut the fuck up. We don't care about missing white girls(or at least I DO NOT CARE about missing white girls).
6.Don't Ask/Don't tell: Ok, I may not be military, but I have several friends who are and I study the Military as a hobby, reading such books as Stephen E. Ambrose(Band of Brothers), Tim O'Brien, etc. I can't think of a SINGLE COUNTRY (aside our own) where Gays in the military are a issue. It's a pretty simple concept: you do not tell us you are gay, we do not ask, nobody cares. You are a soldier. End of story. Your job is to cover our "serving sons" and shoot at Ali Gadouche when he tries to blow your head off with a AK-47, not be like "YAY I'M OPENLY HOMO SEXUAL IN THE MILITARY AND I CAN SAY SO FREELY". No wonder half the world hates our guts and frowns upon us. Yes, ok, freedom of expression, constitutional rights. But there is a line to be drawn: If you are in the army, you have almost no rights. You are US GOVERNMENT PROPERTY. If I am a soldier, and I am on the line, I don't care if the guy next to me masturbates to pics of Richard Simmons: all I want is to him to shut the fuck up and cover me!
7. Abortion: Ok, this has been the subject of argument for hundreds of years. If you really get down to it: you gotta' do what you gotta' do. Granted, people should be held accountable for their actions(read: stupidity) when it comes to birth control and safe sex, but seriously, the only reason alot of people make a huge stink about it is because THE BIBLE SAYS SO.
8. Government Spending: The solution is simple. Quit wasting money, on dumb crap. Afghanistan? Ok. Iraq: No. And don't give me this "Weapons of Mass Destruction" crap, according to google and a few books I read, we haven't found shit.
and I would finish this but I've been swamped at work and shit just hit the fan. STAY TUNED!
Xander, out.
And because of this, it is now, I give you my...DUN DUN DUN...opinion on how I think our country needs fixing. So strap on your seatbelts, here we go!
1. Our country is way too user friendly. Think about it...
Now that you are "tuned in"...
2. Get rid of "No Child Left Behind". Good intentions, yes, but now you are taking away our children's summers, and time that should be spent "playing." I mean, heck, when I was a kid, you'd have to be FRIGGIN' RETARDED to fail Kindergarten. Now? It's not too uncommon....When I was a kid, we played outside, until the streetlights came on. That was the universal: time to come in. In summer, this was replaced by "until the sun goes down." Learn it, use it.
3. Immigration: Yes, it is a nessecary evil. We DO need to protect our borders. Yes, you CAN stay here, as long as you do it LEGALLY. I should know...
4. If I had it my way, Child-Sex-Crime-Offenders, on the 2nd count, as long as it is physical, after 3 months post conviction by a JURY OF YOUR PEERS or GRAND JURY, get a bullet to the head. Period. Those whiny critics citing "cruel and unusual punishment" can go tell it to the parents of/and those victimized by Sex Offenders. I'm getting sick of hearing about crimes where investigation revealed the suspect had a prior history.
5. Nancy Grace needs to shut the fuck up. We don't care about missing white girls(or at least I DO NOT CARE about missing white girls).
6.Don't Ask/Don't tell: Ok, I may not be military, but I have several friends who are and I study the Military as a hobby, reading such books as Stephen E. Ambrose(Band of Brothers), Tim O'Brien, etc. I can't think of a SINGLE COUNTRY (aside our own) where Gays in the military are a issue. It's a pretty simple concept: you do not tell us you are gay, we do not ask, nobody cares. You are a soldier. End of story. Your job is to cover our "serving sons" and shoot at Ali Gadouche when he tries to blow your head off with a AK-47, not be like "YAY I'M OPENLY HOMO SEXUAL IN THE MILITARY AND I CAN SAY SO FREELY". No wonder half the world hates our guts and frowns upon us. Yes, ok, freedom of expression, constitutional rights. But there is a line to be drawn: If you are in the army, you have almost no rights. You are US GOVERNMENT PROPERTY. If I am a soldier, and I am on the line, I don't care if the guy next to me masturbates to pics of Richard Simmons: all I want is to him to shut the fuck up and cover me!
7. Abortion: Ok, this has been the subject of argument for hundreds of years. If you really get down to it: you gotta' do what you gotta' do. Granted, people should be held accountable for their actions(read: stupidity) when it comes to birth control and safe sex, but seriously, the only reason alot of people make a huge stink about it is because THE BIBLE SAYS SO.
8. Government Spending: The solution is simple. Quit wasting money, on dumb crap. Afghanistan? Ok. Iraq: No. And don't give me this "Weapons of Mass Destruction" crap, according to google and a few books I read, we haven't found shit.
and I would finish this but I've been swamped at work and shit just hit the fan. STAY TUNED!
Xander, out.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Dance with me
So my lovely latin love has wanted me, for some reason, to write about me dancing before I met her. Not sure why, but here it goes. Nena Bonita, this is for you.
------------
FACT: Xander likes to dance.
And when I say dance, I mean really dance. Hip hop, grinding, freaking, even Salsa. Though I may not be able to actually Salsa, I can at least fake it, or try for that matter.
I can dance for hours, with anyone, if motivated enough. Before my fiancee, back when I was 22-23, there was one girl ever on this EARTH who could keep up and give me a run for the money: Rachael.
I remember when I first saw her: a skinny buxom blonde in a white tank top and tight jeans, dancing around the dance floor of FBC(A bar/club I used to go to) like a girl from a 50-cent video. I noticed though many guys were watching this cute, skinny, blonde, nobody danced with her.
Well, I asked her to dance. She accepted. And she tore, me, up!
I could barely handle her.
My thighs, my legs, my knees, even my ankles, hurt very bad. But like a Cowboy trying to tame a bucking bronco, I refused to break away.
Believe it or not, I didn't hook up with her. She lived a very crazy life, and I didn't want to be dragged into it. I don't care how good she danced or how hot she was. I had limits.
Now, my fiancee doesn't seem to believe me. Here in America, we dance sexy. That is just how it is. Oh well. She will learn eventually.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
------------
FACT: Xander likes to dance.
And when I say dance, I mean really dance. Hip hop, grinding, freaking, even Salsa. Though I may not be able to actually Salsa, I can at least fake it, or try for that matter.
I can dance for hours, with anyone, if motivated enough. Before my fiancee, back when I was 22-23, there was one girl ever on this EARTH who could keep up and give me a run for the money: Rachael.
I remember when I first saw her: a skinny buxom blonde in a white tank top and tight jeans, dancing around the dance floor of FBC(A bar/club I used to go to) like a girl from a 50-cent video. I noticed though many guys were watching this cute, skinny, blonde, nobody danced with her.
Well, I asked her to dance. She accepted. And she tore, me, up!
I could barely handle her.
My thighs, my legs, my knees, even my ankles, hurt very bad. But like a Cowboy trying to tame a bucking bronco, I refused to break away.
Believe it or not, I didn't hook up with her. She lived a very crazy life, and I didn't want to be dragged into it. I don't care how good she danced or how hot she was. I had limits.
Now, my fiancee doesn't seem to believe me. Here in America, we dance sexy. That is just how it is. Oh well. She will learn eventually.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Memorial Day Antics: 1
After a night of clubbing I was nice and cozy asleep on the futon, my world was shattered and I was jolted courtesy of Steve, Link's youngest brother who flew in from Boise State.
"Wake up!" he said.
"Grrrr"
"Come on we're going hiking!"
"Mmmm no."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm sleeping. Besides, I don't have the shoes for it."
"Just wear your sandals"
"Noooooo"
and the fucker kissed me on the cheek, much to my annoyance.
It was not immediet, but effective: I was now pissed off and I couldn't get back to sleep.
Before I knew it dawning Abercrombie Sandals, a white cap and sunglasses we all packed into the car and headed out to the hills above the Pacific Ocean.
I was running on about 5 hours sleep and was not thrilled.
But, I held my ground and the Xander you all know was ready to go in no time, and off we went: the hike began!
This place, it is is so awesome, I can't reveal its location here. BUT, they got camping facilities, hot, but once you get to the top you can see the northern tip of the valley and the rolling white-crest waves of the pacific ocean, topped with a nice cool pacific breeze that acts like a A/C.
Despite the fact my feet were torn up and killing me, the view made it totally worth it, but I was not to the top yet, which was, later learned to be around the bend.
"Go on without me Steve"
"C'mon!"
"Dude, I have blisters the size of Montana!"
"Fine. Be a bitch. Hold my cell phone. I'll come back in a bit. Ok?" He said, tossing it to me.
"Got it." I said catching it. I watched as he disapeared around the turn.
Now, for those of you who have been following my stories or know me really well, you would know I'm only truely happy when I'm doing something truely nuts!
So I got an idea: I began scrolling through Steve's contact list with a evil grin on my face, til I came upon a name of a girl: Amber.
"Hmmm" I thought. "Amber sounds hot. She's perfect!"
I then proceeded to text her the following:
"Question, why haven't we had sex yet?"
Her response: "WTF"
Later, Link came down from the top and I began to hike back down with him. During this time I told him what I did.
Though he chuckled, he couldn't help but give me words of wisdom: "You know he's going to kill you, right?"
I laughed. It was well worth it.
Later, Link ran ahead to catch up to his dad and I met up with Link and my god mother. There, I told them what I did, and it went something like this:
Xander: Uh, Steve, I did something bad(chuckle)
Steve's Mom: (gasp)
Steve: What did you do?
Xander: I scrolled through your contact list and sent a girl a text message. Who's Amber?
Steve's mom: (GASP)
Steve: YOU WHAT!? DUDE, WHAT DID YOU SAY!?
Here it comes...
Xander: I texted her: "Question, why haven't we had sex yet?"
Steve's mom: (GASP!)
Steve: YOU WHAT!!!!??? DUDE! SHE'S NOT HOT! SHE'S UGLY! (Steve's mom gasps again in disbelief) SHE'S DONE MOST OF THE BASKETBALL TEAM, HALF THE FOOTBALL TEAM, AND ONLY LIKES BLACK DUDES
Xander and Steve's mom, and even Steve: (laughs!)
From there on the walk down we had some great discussions, such as:
-How we should get Steve's Uber-Catholic Mom hella' high
-How there is not a divine force on this planet that will shut me up
-The Drug Antics of Willie Nelson and how if I had the chance I would get high with him("But dude! How many people can honestly say they got stoned with Willie Nelson")
It was a awesome day. Para mi familia segundo: Te amo!
--------------------
Later we were cooking for a dinner party and cleaning the kitchen, while Link was getting chicken out of the fridge to put on the grille.
Link: Uh oh, something is leaking out here
Me: That's what SHE said.
(Steve, Link, me, Steve's mom bursts out laughing)
-------------------
I ate til I was full and passed out. I even dreamt. I woke up to Steve's cousin yapping on her cell phone. I have tomorrow off: Steve went off with another friend, Link has work tomorrow and Link's other brother is just "wanting to relaxed". So here I sit. We'll see what crazy adventure I can come up with. When I do, I'll keep you posted.
Xander, out.
"Wake up!" he said.
"Grrrr"
"Come on we're going hiking!"
"Mmmm no."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm sleeping. Besides, I don't have the shoes for it."
"Just wear your sandals"
"Noooooo"
and the fucker kissed me on the cheek, much to my annoyance.
It was not immediet, but effective: I was now pissed off and I couldn't get back to sleep.
Before I knew it dawning Abercrombie Sandals, a white cap and sunglasses we all packed into the car and headed out to the hills above the Pacific Ocean.
I was running on about 5 hours sleep and was not thrilled.
But, I held my ground and the Xander you all know was ready to go in no time, and off we went: the hike began!
This place, it is is so awesome, I can't reveal its location here. BUT, they got camping facilities, hot, but once you get to the top you can see the northern tip of the valley and the rolling white-crest waves of the pacific ocean, topped with a nice cool pacific breeze that acts like a A/C.
Despite the fact my feet were torn up and killing me, the view made it totally worth it, but I was not to the top yet, which was, later learned to be around the bend.
"Go on without me Steve"
"C'mon!"
"Dude, I have blisters the size of Montana!"
"Fine. Be a bitch. Hold my cell phone. I'll come back in a bit. Ok?" He said, tossing it to me.
"Got it." I said catching it. I watched as he disapeared around the turn.
Now, for those of you who have been following my stories or know me really well, you would know I'm only truely happy when I'm doing something truely nuts!
So I got an idea: I began scrolling through Steve's contact list with a evil grin on my face, til I came upon a name of a girl: Amber.
"Hmmm" I thought. "Amber sounds hot. She's perfect!"
I then proceeded to text her the following:
"Question, why haven't we had sex yet?"
Her response: "WTF"
Later, Link came down from the top and I began to hike back down with him. During this time I told him what I did.
Though he chuckled, he couldn't help but give me words of wisdom: "You know he's going to kill you, right?"
I laughed. It was well worth it.
Later, Link ran ahead to catch up to his dad and I met up with Link and my god mother. There, I told them what I did, and it went something like this:
Xander: Uh, Steve, I did something bad(chuckle)
Steve's Mom: (gasp)
Steve: What did you do?
Xander: I scrolled through your contact list and sent a girl a text message. Who's Amber?
Steve's mom: (GASP)
Steve: YOU WHAT!? DUDE, WHAT DID YOU SAY!?
Here it comes...
Xander: I texted her: "Question, why haven't we had sex yet?"
Steve's mom: (GASP!)
Steve: YOU WHAT!!!!??? DUDE! SHE'S NOT HOT! SHE'S UGLY! (Steve's mom gasps again in disbelief) SHE'S DONE MOST OF THE BASKETBALL TEAM, HALF THE FOOTBALL TEAM, AND ONLY LIKES BLACK DUDES
Xander and Steve's mom, and even Steve: (laughs!)
From there on the walk down we had some great discussions, such as:
-How we should get Steve's Uber-Catholic Mom hella' high
-How there is not a divine force on this planet that will shut me up
-The Drug Antics of Willie Nelson and how if I had the chance I would get high with him("But dude! How many people can honestly say they got stoned with Willie Nelson")
It was a awesome day. Para mi familia segundo: Te amo!
--------------------
Later we were cooking for a dinner party and cleaning the kitchen, while Link was getting chicken out of the fridge to put on the grille.
Link: Uh oh, something is leaking out here
Me: That's what SHE said.
(Steve, Link, me, Steve's mom bursts out laughing)
-------------------
I ate til I was full and passed out. I even dreamt. I woke up to Steve's cousin yapping on her cell phone. I have tomorrow off: Steve went off with another friend, Link has work tomorrow and Link's other brother is just "wanting to relaxed". So here I sit. We'll see what crazy adventure I can come up with. When I do, I'll keep you posted.
Xander, out.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Aidan, this one's for you.
;-)
Ok so Link denied me the permission to write the follow up to OPERATION: Nicaragua, but I think I got something better.
-Stops a second to watch a car get DESTROYED on Mythbusters-
Anyway. That was really cool. Moving forward, on with the show!
NATURE BOY/NATURE GIRL
So, for those of you that do not know me, I work for a Security Company, and have been doing so for about...5 years now. I started out as everybody else does in the company: a security "officer" at a remote 3-building complex in Southern California. I was told the day I got hired that it was "the wild west" and I was the Sheriff in town: nothing was to get past me, and I would constantly be busy.
Well, next to the property was a hiking trail that was a known hangout for transients, johns, hookers and drug users, at the back of the buildings was a HUGE dirt lot, where more buildings were going to be built.
Needless to say, I had my work cut out for me.
One day, I was sitting at the front desk when a employee came up to me, pointing at the back doors leading to the open field.
"What is that guy doing out there?"
"What guy?" I asked. Did I even want to know?
"There is a guy out in the field and...he's being really weird...just thought I'd tell you" he said, as he walked off.
I radioed in that I may have a suspicious person and set out into the hot, dry, holy-fuck-french-fry-cooking sun to investigate.
Well, I didn't find any "weird guy": mostly dirt, dry weeds, piles of junk, and...something absolutely disgusting.
dirty, crusty, nasty, used women's underwear and used condoms.
EWWW!
The Johns were taking the hookers back here to uh...yeah.
-----------
WRONG PLACE, WRONG REASON
Then, there was the time during a investigation, I went to the scene of some lab cooler units to check on some crime scene barriers I put it. Some thieves had been ripping out the copper to fence later, and recently one of the idiots from the other squads tried to "chase them away" rather than call the cops. But, he got a vehicle description!
So imagine my surprise at 6 AM when I drove up to the scene and saw our suspect vehicle there. Well, instead of giving chase I cut my headlights and crept on them and called the cops.
They surrounded the car and got our suspect having sex with...can you guess? A hooker.
Not only that, but he had our stolen materials and tools in the trunk!
---------
WHAT'S THAT SMELL??
A year later I was at that contract but had been reassigned to another office(that site got sold to ironically the company I work for now).
One morning, I was in my assigned building as usual. As part of my job I had to do a morning sweep of the building and check various alarm panels, unlock some doors, etc.
Well, on this particular morning as soon as I started my sweep of the 3rd floor, a smell hit my nose. At the time I was a bachelor in my early 20s: I knew that smell all too well. Sex and Latex.
That meant, someone was, or had been, having sex in the cubicle areas!
A sweep revealed nothing suspicious, but I knew that smell!
----------
THONG SONG
A year later, same company, just another morning. I now had more responsibilities, including the entire complex of the Corporate HQ. The main building, had a cafe which was connected to the rest of the building via a long corridor("the concourse" we called it).
Anyway, it was about 7:30 AM, I just gotten my coffee and was walking down the concourse towards the main lobby doors. Up ahead, a female asian employee in her 20s stepped through and stopped, pointing at me with her index finger down at what I thought might of been espresso spilled on my pants.
"Is that what I think it is?" she ssked, half laughing, half with curiousity.
"What?" I said, looking down at my shirt.
"No, not your shirt. THAT!" she pointed again. "By your shoe."
I looked down and to my right and there, in the middle of the concourse, was a white, nasty, crusty, dirty, obviously worn, thong.
WTF!?
I wasn't about to touch this thing, and I was in a real jam: usually at about this time: VPs, Investors, Directors, and other "brass" filed through this very concourse to get their coffee.
I instantly made a run for the reception desk, telling them to call "Janitorial" and have them meet me in the Concourse "STAT!".
The receptionist, true to her duty made the call and I ran back to the concourse. I had just returned, and a employee, a sales rep(cool guy) came in and saw the thong.
"Ewww" he said, laughing. "This yours Xander?" he asked.
"Very funny. Janitorial is on it's way."
He laughed and kicked it to the side with his shoe like a soccer player.
Then shit hit the fan: a employee who hated me, called the Militant Lady, walked through the double doors towards the cafe, entourage of employees and lackeys below her in tow. Instantly I got out of the way up against the wall, waiting for Janitorial to arrive. WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY!?
I saw the militant lady spot the thong on the side of the cource and immedietly glare at me.
I was talking on my radio: "Recep, is there a ETA on janitorial?"
"Yeah you better" Militant lady said with a glare. "That's gross!"
Well then YOU pick it up and YOU throw it away you power hungry cow!
Finally Janitorial arrived and picked it up with a Claw-like device, tossing it in the dumpster out back. I couldn't help but think that this was premeditated and asked the Janitor what he thought, a guy from Jalasco, Mexico with a goatee and a thick accent.
"Hey man, you really shouldn't leave your thong around man that is not right"
"Hey, fuck you asshole. They are not mine!"
We laughed. He was a cool guy and he was just giving me shit, but where had I heard that before?
He then proceeded to tell me every 2 months, especially when cleaning the women's restrooms, he'd find various panties laying around and toss them. How odd...
Needless to say, I didn't tell my boss or write a report: there was no way to explain it. I can imagine it now: "INCIDENT REPORT: THONG IN HALLWAY"
My boss would of thought I was nuts!
And for you curious, dirty, gutter minds, no they did not belong to me.
Assholes.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Ok so Link denied me the permission to write the follow up to OPERATION: Nicaragua, but I think I got something better.
-Stops a second to watch a car get DESTROYED on Mythbusters-
Anyway. That was really cool. Moving forward, on with the show!
NATURE BOY/NATURE GIRL
So, for those of you that do not know me, I work for a Security Company, and have been doing so for about...5 years now. I started out as everybody else does in the company: a security "officer" at a remote 3-building complex in Southern California. I was told the day I got hired that it was "the wild west" and I was the Sheriff in town: nothing was to get past me, and I would constantly be busy.
Well, next to the property was a hiking trail that was a known hangout for transients, johns, hookers and drug users, at the back of the buildings was a HUGE dirt lot, where more buildings were going to be built.
Needless to say, I had my work cut out for me.
One day, I was sitting at the front desk when a employee came up to me, pointing at the back doors leading to the open field.
"What is that guy doing out there?"
"What guy?" I asked. Did I even want to know?
"There is a guy out in the field and...he's being really weird...just thought I'd tell you" he said, as he walked off.
I radioed in that I may have a suspicious person and set out into the hot, dry, holy-fuck-french-fry-cooking sun to investigate.
Well, I didn't find any "weird guy": mostly dirt, dry weeds, piles of junk, and...something absolutely disgusting.
dirty, crusty, nasty, used women's underwear and used condoms.
EWWW!
The Johns were taking the hookers back here to uh...yeah.
-----------
WRONG PLACE, WRONG REASON
Then, there was the time during a investigation, I went to the scene of some lab cooler units to check on some crime scene barriers I put it. Some thieves had been ripping out the copper to fence later, and recently one of the idiots from the other squads tried to "chase them away" rather than call the cops. But, he got a vehicle description!
So imagine my surprise at 6 AM when I drove up to the scene and saw our suspect vehicle there. Well, instead of giving chase I cut my headlights and crept on them and called the cops.
They surrounded the car and got our suspect having sex with...can you guess? A hooker.
Not only that, but he had our stolen materials and tools in the trunk!
---------
WHAT'S THAT SMELL??
A year later I was at that contract but had been reassigned to another office(that site got sold to ironically the company I work for now).
One morning, I was in my assigned building as usual. As part of my job I had to do a morning sweep of the building and check various alarm panels, unlock some doors, etc.
Well, on this particular morning as soon as I started my sweep of the 3rd floor, a smell hit my nose. At the time I was a bachelor in my early 20s: I knew that smell all too well. Sex and Latex.
That meant, someone was, or had been, having sex in the cubicle areas!
A sweep revealed nothing suspicious, but I knew that smell!
----------
THONG SONG
A year later, same company, just another morning. I now had more responsibilities, including the entire complex of the Corporate HQ. The main building, had a cafe which was connected to the rest of the building via a long corridor("the concourse" we called it).
Anyway, it was about 7:30 AM, I just gotten my coffee and was walking down the concourse towards the main lobby doors. Up ahead, a female asian employee in her 20s stepped through and stopped, pointing at me with her index finger down at what I thought might of been espresso spilled on my pants.
"Is that what I think it is?" she ssked, half laughing, half with curiousity.
"What?" I said, looking down at my shirt.
"No, not your shirt. THAT!" she pointed again. "By your shoe."
I looked down and to my right and there, in the middle of the concourse, was a white, nasty, crusty, dirty, obviously worn, thong.
WTF!?
I wasn't about to touch this thing, and I was in a real jam: usually at about this time: VPs, Investors, Directors, and other "brass" filed through this very concourse to get their coffee.
I instantly made a run for the reception desk, telling them to call "Janitorial" and have them meet me in the Concourse "STAT!".
The receptionist, true to her duty made the call and I ran back to the concourse. I had just returned, and a employee, a sales rep(cool guy) came in and saw the thong.
"Ewww" he said, laughing. "This yours Xander?" he asked.
"Very funny. Janitorial is on it's way."
He laughed and kicked it to the side with his shoe like a soccer player.
Then shit hit the fan: a employee who hated me, called the Militant Lady, walked through the double doors towards the cafe, entourage of employees and lackeys below her in tow. Instantly I got out of the way up against the wall, waiting for Janitorial to arrive. WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY!?
I saw the militant lady spot the thong on the side of the cource and immedietly glare at me.
I was talking on my radio: "Recep, is there a ETA on janitorial?"
"Yeah you better" Militant lady said with a glare. "That's gross!"
Well then YOU pick it up and YOU throw it away you power hungry cow!
Finally Janitorial arrived and picked it up with a Claw-like device, tossing it in the dumpster out back. I couldn't help but think that this was premeditated and asked the Janitor what he thought, a guy from Jalasco, Mexico with a goatee and a thick accent.
"Hey man, you really shouldn't leave your thong around man that is not right"
"Hey, fuck you asshole. They are not mine!"
We laughed. He was a cool guy and he was just giving me shit, but where had I heard that before?
He then proceeded to tell me every 2 months, especially when cleaning the women's restrooms, he'd find various panties laying around and toss them. How odd...
Needless to say, I didn't tell my boss or write a report: there was no way to explain it. I can imagine it now: "INCIDENT REPORT: THONG IN HALLWAY"
My boss would of thought I was nuts!
And for you curious, dirty, gutter minds, no they did not belong to me.
Assholes.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Hmmm
Not sure what to write about. No word on the Insect-sex-guy, Lindsey Lohan finally appeared in court, my party-fueled weekend never happened, and I have to ask Link for permission to post the EXCLUSIVE update on OPERATION: NICARAGUA.
Well, I guess I could write about whats going on en "la vida loca" that is my family life, but, to be honest, I kind of want to leave them out of it. I mean, I dunno, I am sure you guys would rather hear about something else that is awesome in my life rather than the Spanish Telenovella that occurs in my home. So, unless YOU GUYS(the readers) say otherwise, I will avoid writing about them. I mean, it's sort of a cop out: a cheap shot, too easy. I could spend POST AFTER POST AFTER POST talking about all the crap that occurs there.
Anyway, AH! Here we go. So, this Monday is Memorial Day. Which means no class, which means I actually get a Sunday. SO with that said, I have to figure out a way to make those days as AWESOME AS POSSIBLE: Laser Tag, Going to the movies, going clubbing, drinking to excess(fairly easy for me to do), explore the uknown!Hell I don't have to be at work til 3 PM Tuesday so that buys me some more time. That said, if you have any ideas for me to do, email me here or at thehappiestloser@yahoo.com!
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Well, I guess I could write about whats going on en "la vida loca" that is my family life, but, to be honest, I kind of want to leave them out of it. I mean, I dunno, I am sure you guys would rather hear about something else that is awesome in my life rather than the Spanish Telenovella that occurs in my home. So, unless YOU GUYS(the readers) say otherwise, I will avoid writing about them. I mean, it's sort of a cop out: a cheap shot, too easy. I could spend POST AFTER POST AFTER POST talking about all the crap that occurs there.
Anyway, AH! Here we go. So, this Monday is Memorial Day. Which means no class, which means I actually get a Sunday. SO with that said, I have to figure out a way to make those days as AWESOME AS POSSIBLE: Laser Tag, Going to the movies, going clubbing, drinking to excess(fairly easy for me to do), explore the uknown!Hell I don't have to be at work til 3 PM Tuesday so that buys me some more time. That said, if you have any ideas for me to do, email me here or at thehappiestloser@yahoo.com!
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
To the Readers
Hey you!
Yes, you, you at the computer!
Seriously, to those reading this, I need the following:
-questions
-comments
-feedback
-even constructive criticism
-replies
and for those who havent subscribed yet, Tam, this means you, SUBSCRIBE! -.-
Please??
Yes, you, you at the computer!
Seriously, to those reading this, I need the following:
-questions
-comments
-feedback
-even constructive criticism
-replies
and for those who havent subscribed yet, Tam, this means you, SUBSCRIBE! -.-
Please??
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
So yeah I'm a huge dork....
So I was on my way to work from dropping my mom off at the airport, when I was flipping channels on the radio. I was really early to work and so far it had been a good day. Imagine how stoked I was when FOOTLOOSE began to play on the radio! In true dork fashion I popped on my sunglasses and after getting off the exit came to a stop at a red light. I lowered the windows down, cranked up the music and started dancing and snapping my fingers, much to the amusement of the Indian dude on my left and to the disdain of the Asian lady on my right.
It was awesome! I cruised right into the parking lot blasting Footlose and dancing and snapping my finger as I made my way right into a parking spot, just as the song ended!
It couldn't of gone any better. This true dork moment has been brought to you by Happiest Loser Productions.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
It was awesome! I cruised right into the parking lot blasting Footlose and dancing and snapping my finger as I made my way right into a parking spot, just as the song ended!
It couldn't of gone any better. This true dork moment has been brought to you by Happiest Loser Productions.
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
My Crazy Weekend
AKA: Operation - Nicaragua
So, I got this friend, we will call him Link.
Link, has been, the entire week, blabbing to me about this Nicaraguan girl. "Dude. She's so hot. She's single. No kids. Dude, you have to drive up and stay the weekend. We're going to go out. It's going to be awesome. I need my Wingman."
That's right: wing-man. Given the fact I am engaged, this makes me, in Link's eyes, the perfect wing-man, because no matter what happens, nothing will happen with me and I don't care just how ugly or downright hideous the friend of Link's interest is: I'll still talk and have a good time.
So Saturday after work, I made the drive and met Link and his Cousin "Chip" at the designated club, only to find it was a singles auction for some AIDS charity. So after a $5 cover, learning there is no real DJ or dancing, we leave and go to a bar the next block over: alibi.
There I meet this supposed Miss Nicaraugua, who, after introduction by Link via whispering in her ear, asked me: "Are you gay?"
I glared at Link, who was laughing. "No. and I'm actually engaged..." and I held up the pic of my fiancee in my wallet.
With drinks coming, the night was off and running except for one problem: Whether by shyness or total disregard, Link kept ignoring her!
And every time I'd tell Link to move in, he'd talk to her or dance with her for like 30 seconds, then turn his attention elsewhere. Enter two El Salvadorian Douchebags. I don't know where this guys came from(apparently they are friends of Link's friend) but one(DB1) would hang back while the other(DB2), would start flirting with her and buying her drinks.
I immedietly sized these dudes up: flashy dressed, shaved head, flashing their money around. I knew their game. And I knew unless Link had help, they'd win.
Not on my watch!
Afterall, what kind of wingman would I be if I didn't?
So, as soon as those idiots let their guard down, I pulled her away and busted out my mad dance skills, while Chip covered my back. Once I had her nice and away from Douche 1 and Douche 2 I signaled to Link to move in and take over.
Once again, he'd hang around for about a minute, and go elsewhere. And then Douche 1 and 2 would move in again.
I texted him. NOTE: This is the actual text transmissions.
Xander: A. Ask to her to dance, and REALLY dance or b. Ask to speak in private.
I watched from across the bar. Link made to move towards her, only to retreat. What the heck is his deal? He's been nuts over this girl all week!
Douche Bag #2 was really trying his luck: kissing her neck, or trying to, only to have her laugh and move away with him going right back on her.
I faked like I was stepping outside to the smoking area, texting again.
XANDER: (text) Engage...NOW failure of shot imminent
This got a response.
LINK: Shut up and get back inside.
I felt bad for the guy. Link is my bro, and I would do ANYTHING (with limits) for him. Against these 2 Rico Suave fuckers, he stood no chance unless he stepped up and started pulling some effort. I could not do this alone, even with Chip's help.
So: after some analysis and strategic thinking, I decided to resort to harsh tactics. I was going to coax Link to her. I'd have to walk the line a bit, but Anger can be used as fuel and can be manipulated if used right.
I went right up to her as soon as Douche Bag 2 was distracted and pulled her away, starting to dance with her. I can fake Latin Dance, and I can dance, grind and sway for hours(despite pain from my legs). One thing though: I kept my hands behind my back.
This had a danger however: I am a good dancer, and I think me being engaged leaves me feeling comfortable with myself since I know nothing will happen. I don't know why, but I think women mistake this for confidence, and it acts as a radar beacon. Thus, they get the wrong idea. I don't get it: I'm not Zac Efron or anything, I'm skinny, not rich, I drive a BS Honda Civic, I have no appeal whatsoever.
So, no suprise when Nicaragua gives me that look. Not tonight Missy.
Link took the bait, but it only worked temporairly because then he gave up and went away from her again!!
There is no winning this one. I started to give up hope, but then the music stopped: the bar was shut down for the night, and we all went outside.
The Nicarguan came up to me and started talking to me,and I invited her, as per Link's request, to my upcoming party at my place. And that's when shit hit the fan.
The douchebags walk up, and douche bag 2 approaches me.
"'Ey, am I invited too?"
"I dunno...it's VIP invite only." This asshole was inviting himself to my party.
"I'm not VIP bro? Cuz if she's going so am I"
"Hey man. You want to come to the party? Talk to" I pointed to Link. "That guy. He's your connection, because I don't know you."
"Ah man don't be a hater."
I then cocked a smirk. "Got money?" I asked.
"Shit man. My shirt costs more than yours. What kind of car you drive?"
"At one point a Acura RSX. "
"Shyeet I got Ferrarris Mother Fucker" (It was later revealed he drove a beat up late 90s honda accord...) he said, putting his arms around Nicaragua's hips.
"Ferarris eh?" I said.
"Hey man... " He then stepped away. "Who do you think you are man!? You are pissing me off. You think you are such hot shit? Don't hate the player, hate the game."
Ah man. A case of mistaken identity! This guy thought I was scamming on her! I choose my battle very wisely, and I don't fight over dumb crap, especially over a woman who doesn't belong to me, or over the fact that I'm not her man, nor do I want to be the man of her slut ass.
"I don't hate the player, or the game...." I said before I busted out my Palm pre, activating it to reveal my fiancee's picture on the background. I held it up so they all could see. "In fact, I'm not even in your game. I don't want to be. In fact..." I turned to lock eyes with Miss Nicargua. "I don't even give a shit about her. " I pointed to Link. "That guy, however, does. This conversation is over..." and I turned and walked through the crowd to Chip and gave him the run down, much to his amusement.
Later, Link asked me to pick up a pack of smokes on the way back. "I'll owe you one he said.
I then glared, I almost got in a fight over him!
"No dude, you owe me more than that. I now own ever molecule in your body!"
Til next time,
Xander, out.
So, I got this friend, we will call him Link.
Link, has been, the entire week, blabbing to me about this Nicaraguan girl. "Dude. She's so hot. She's single. No kids. Dude, you have to drive up and stay the weekend. We're going to go out. It's going to be awesome. I need my Wingman."
That's right: wing-man. Given the fact I am engaged, this makes me, in Link's eyes, the perfect wing-man, because no matter what happens, nothing will happen with me and I don't care just how ugly or downright hideous the friend of Link's interest is: I'll still talk and have a good time.
So Saturday after work, I made the drive and met Link and his Cousin "Chip" at the designated club, only to find it was a singles auction for some AIDS charity. So after a $5 cover, learning there is no real DJ or dancing, we leave and go to a bar the next block over: alibi.
There I meet this supposed Miss Nicaraugua, who, after introduction by Link via whispering in her ear, asked me: "Are you gay?"
I glared at Link, who was laughing. "No. and I'm actually engaged..." and I held up the pic of my fiancee in my wallet.
With drinks coming, the night was off and running except for one problem: Whether by shyness or total disregard, Link kept ignoring her!
And every time I'd tell Link to move in, he'd talk to her or dance with her for like 30 seconds, then turn his attention elsewhere. Enter two El Salvadorian Douchebags. I don't know where this guys came from(apparently they are friends of Link's friend) but one(DB1) would hang back while the other(DB2), would start flirting with her and buying her drinks.
I immedietly sized these dudes up: flashy dressed, shaved head, flashing their money around. I knew their game. And I knew unless Link had help, they'd win.
Not on my watch!
Afterall, what kind of wingman would I be if I didn't?
So, as soon as those idiots let their guard down, I pulled her away and busted out my mad dance skills, while Chip covered my back. Once I had her nice and away from Douche 1 and Douche 2 I signaled to Link to move in and take over.
Once again, he'd hang around for about a minute, and go elsewhere. And then Douche 1 and 2 would move in again.
I texted him. NOTE: This is the actual text transmissions.
Xander: A. Ask to her to dance, and REALLY dance or b. Ask to speak in private.
I watched from across the bar. Link made to move towards her, only to retreat. What the heck is his deal? He's been nuts over this girl all week!
Douche Bag #2 was really trying his luck: kissing her neck, or trying to, only to have her laugh and move away with him going right back on her.
I faked like I was stepping outside to the smoking area, texting again.
XANDER: (text) Engage...NOW failure of shot imminent
This got a response.
LINK: Shut up and get back inside.
I felt bad for the guy. Link is my bro, and I would do ANYTHING (with limits) for him. Against these 2 Rico Suave fuckers, he stood no chance unless he stepped up and started pulling some effort. I could not do this alone, even with Chip's help.
So: after some analysis and strategic thinking, I decided to resort to harsh tactics. I was going to coax Link to her. I'd have to walk the line a bit, but Anger can be used as fuel and can be manipulated if used right.
I went right up to her as soon as Douche Bag 2 was distracted and pulled her away, starting to dance with her. I can fake Latin Dance, and I can dance, grind and sway for hours(despite pain from my legs). One thing though: I kept my hands behind my back.
This had a danger however: I am a good dancer, and I think me being engaged leaves me feeling comfortable with myself since I know nothing will happen. I don't know why, but I think women mistake this for confidence, and it acts as a radar beacon. Thus, they get the wrong idea. I don't get it: I'm not Zac Efron or anything, I'm skinny, not rich, I drive a BS Honda Civic, I have no appeal whatsoever.
So, no suprise when Nicaragua gives me that look. Not tonight Missy.
Link took the bait, but it only worked temporairly because then he gave up and went away from her again!!
There is no winning this one. I started to give up hope, but then the music stopped: the bar was shut down for the night, and we all went outside.
The Nicarguan came up to me and started talking to me,and I invited her, as per Link's request, to my upcoming party at my place. And that's when shit hit the fan.
The douchebags walk up, and douche bag 2 approaches me.
"'Ey, am I invited too?"
"I dunno...it's VIP invite only." This asshole was inviting himself to my party.
"I'm not VIP bro? Cuz if she's going so am I"
"Hey man. You want to come to the party? Talk to" I pointed to Link. "That guy. He's your connection, because I don't know you."
"Ah man don't be a hater."
I then cocked a smirk. "Got money?" I asked.
"Shit man. My shirt costs more than yours. What kind of car you drive?"
"At one point a Acura RSX. "
"Shyeet I got Ferrarris Mother Fucker" (It was later revealed he drove a beat up late 90s honda accord...) he said, putting his arms around Nicaragua's hips.
"Ferarris eh?" I said.
"Hey man... " He then stepped away. "Who do you think you are man!? You are pissing me off. You think you are such hot shit? Don't hate the player, hate the game."
Ah man. A case of mistaken identity! This guy thought I was scamming on her! I choose my battle very wisely, and I don't fight over dumb crap, especially over a woman who doesn't belong to me, or over the fact that I'm not her man, nor do I want to be the man of her slut ass.
"I don't hate the player, or the game...." I said before I busted out my Palm pre, activating it to reveal my fiancee's picture on the background. I held it up so they all could see. "In fact, I'm not even in your game. I don't want to be. In fact..." I turned to lock eyes with Miss Nicargua. "I don't even give a shit about her. " I pointed to Link. "That guy, however, does. This conversation is over..." and I turned and walked through the crowd to Chip and gave him the run down, much to his amusement.
Later, Link asked me to pick up a pack of smokes on the way back. "I'll owe you one he said.
I then glared, I almost got in a fight over him!
"No dude, you owe me more than that. I now own ever molecule in your body!"
Til next time,
Xander, out.
Oops
I messed up on the email. To email me, it's thehappiestloser@yahoo.com. Stay tuned for a new blog, posted tonight!
PROPS TO: CHRIS DUNCAN FOR BEING THE FIRST OFFICIAL SUBSCRIBER!
Seriously, people, subscribe!
PROPS TO: CHRIS DUNCAN FOR BEING THE FIRST OFFICIAL SUBSCRIBER!
Seriously, people, subscribe!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
TADA!
Holy smokes.
I've actually done it: I have created a real blogspace.
First, they were on my space.
Then I got to facebook.
But then I ran into some issues:
My mother, great aunt, etc. added my facebook account. They would see some of the mean, insane, sometimes terrifying things I would write in my notes. Sometimes they made you laugh, sometimes they straught out offended you. Before they always thought of me as that angelic guy they know, but here they would get a in-depth look of what they were dealing with that few people actually see.
You can imagine the reaction I face.
So I moved all operations.
Best of all, it isn't entirely about me, it's about *points to the reader* YOU! Yes, you. The one who is wasting your time actually reading this. Apparently people like my stories of my chaotic life. I didn't believe it at first: people actually read this crap?
But yes, you do. Some you have been reading my stories from back when I was on myspace. So here it is, I, Xander, the Happiest Loser, am declaring this 50% READER DRIVEN!
Thats right. If you want me to write about something, you can comment here or at thehappiestloser@yahoo.com and I'll work it in.
Want to leave a comment, idea, question, insult, your phone number(Just kidding...I'm engaged to a lovely woman whom I love very much...unless you are Penelope Cruz lol XD)? You are free to do so!
So fasten your seatbelt, let the fun begin!
I've actually done it: I have created a real blogspace.
First, they were on my space.
Then I got to facebook.
But then I ran into some issues:
My mother, great aunt, etc. added my facebook account. They would see some of the mean, insane, sometimes terrifying things I would write in my notes. Sometimes they made you laugh, sometimes they straught out offended you. Before they always thought of me as that angelic guy they know, but here they would get a in-depth look of what they were dealing with that few people actually see.
You can imagine the reaction I face.
So I moved all operations.
Best of all, it isn't entirely about me, it's about *points to the reader* YOU! Yes, you. The one who is wasting your time actually reading this. Apparently people like my stories of my chaotic life. I didn't believe it at first: people actually read this crap?
But yes, you do. Some you have been reading my stories from back when I was on myspace. So here it is, I, Xander, the Happiest Loser, am declaring this 50% READER DRIVEN!
Thats right. If you want me to write about something, you can comment here or at thehappiestloser@yahoo.com and I'll work it in.
Want to leave a comment, idea, question, insult, your phone number(Just kidding...I'm engaged to a lovely woman whom I love very much...unless you are Penelope Cruz lol XD)? You are free to do so!
So fasten your seatbelt, let the fun begin!
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